In My Defense


Your honor,



Here goes:

I do not believe it is entirely fair of you to place all of the blame for incident in question upon myself. In fact, I do not claim any responsibility for the chain of events that left the town of Bella Vista, Arkansas in ruins and made several branches of the United States government look the fool. I neither assisted the perpetrator, nor supplied him with information of any kind.

Now, yes, if you want to be technical… technically it was I that originally told Jon Hammster to “kill all humans,” but that was intended as a harmless jape. I contend that there is no way I could have known that Jon Hammster

a) understood what I was saying to him


b) had the know-how and wherewithal to attempt to carry it out.

My evidence for this is the simple fact that, as his name somewhat wittily implies, Jon Hammster is a hamster, named for a famous actor of the stage and screen. While I am admittedly not a biologist, I had always been under the impression that hamsters were not sapient in any way shape or form. I had- up until the events of May 30th, of course – never seen any evidence to contradict this. Actually the conclusion that hamsters are a dull-witted species was only reinforced by Jon Hammster, who was repeatedly viewed by myself as falling over comically as he attempted to partake in libation from his water bottle. Now, the prosecution has stated that I should have been alarmed by the fact that my former pet was seen repeatedly to escape from his enclosure; but what creature doesn’t do that if he can? It has also been said that I should have become suspicious when, after one such escape, I discovered Jon Hammster sitting on my computer keyboard apparently having Googled “Nuclear Missile Silo Locations,” but, your Honor, really? I mean, obviously in hindsight that should have raised a red flag, but at the time, Occam’s Razor should have meant that what I witnessed was simply an amusing coincidence.

I’ll admit I should probably have contacted the authorities when my copy of The Anarchist Cookbook and a number of cleaning supplies went missing from my home, but again, Occam’s Razor should have put that down to my own absent-mindedness before assigning responsibility to a domestic rodent. I also had absolutely no way of knowing that the silly construct Jon made in his cage out of bits of wire was a cleverly designed ham(ster) radio, not a nest. I couldn’t know he was communicating with the other hamsters of the world, and I couldn’t know what they were planning. And I was certainly every bit as shocked as you were on the morning of May 30th to see Jon Hammster marching down Lancashire Boulevard, commanding his hamster followers on like a mad Pied Piper of Ham(ster)lin.

However, your Honor, my appeal to my own ignorance is but a part of a larger picture: we were all ignorant to the situation around us. Have you ever owned a hamster, your Honor? I’m sure you must have once. Who hasn’t? And while we humans were obsessed with our petty problems, our wars, our global warming, our money, none of us – not you, not me, not Almighty God Himself – could have suspected what was being planned right under our very noses. The evidence was there, for all of us to see, but we scoffed. We laughed it off. We did not take it seriously.

In summation, your Honor, I understand that the people are crying for a scapegoat to blame the events at Bella Vista on. They cry for vengeance, they call the survivors heroes, yet still they ignore the uncomfortable truth: Jon Hammster and his followers are still out there. Watching. Waiting. Planning. And, your Honor, they now have a nuclear weapon.

Is it really an appropriate use of this court’s time to blame me for this?



  1. Pingback: My Gambling Addiction is Making Me Fat « Primitive Screwheads

  2. Pingback: The Dark Kerygma of the Mad Jon Hammster « Primitive

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *