Publisher’s Notation: This is the officially released version of a letter mailed to the White House and other seats of government throughout the world, purportedly by the notorious rodent and nuclear terrorist referred to in the media as “Jon Hammster.” While the veracity of the document has been called into question, the experts at Primitive Screwheads have indeed determined that the letter was most likely written by an actual hamster, and that the author’s knowledge of certain recent events suggests he or she may have been a participant in them. Certain sections of the letter have been redacted in the interests of national security. Now, the letter:
Greetings to all of the decidedly un-flocculent primates that chance to peruse my proclamation. I pay homage to all of you shambling, bipedal apes that blunder about this planet clad in the skins and fibers of the murdered and the maimed. Hail to humanity! Hail to your fossil fuels that pump ancient death into the vast and pristine “azure” of the atmosphere! A most sincere salutation to your campaign of destruction that has laid waste to dozens of species and annihilated the fragile balance of the only life-giving world in existence. Your capacity for genocide warms my tiny heart. It makes what I have to do so much easier.
I am Jon Hammster. I am the leader of a strike force assembled from what you would refer to as the lowest of the vertebrates. We are the outcasts, the unwanted, the feared and the hated. As the recent attacks – which I hereby confirm were indeed on my orders – on Bella Vista and on Dunsinane’s Circus have proven, we are not to be trifled with. Now, as you must know due to the knowledge having been repeatedly elucidated by various media outlets, and indeed implied by my very cognomen, I am a hamster.
Hamsters are a rodent in the genus Mesocricetus. Like you, we are vertebrates, and yet there is so much we do not share: we lack the ability to see what you call “color.” We cannot stand on our back legs for more than one adorable instant. Until recently, we lacked both the ability and the interest in your communicative arts such as reading and writing. I learned same by watching my former master, whom I have been led to believe has been imprisoned and condemned merely for housing me. As if I would deliberately accept help from any human!
There are more qualities, many more, that you possess and we do not. We envy your size and your thumbs, but we most emphatically do not share your wanton and frenzied will to destruction. Your aggression leaves us dumbfounded! Where a hamster’s priorities place eating, sleeping and reproduction at the top of his list, your list would never be complete without a trail of raw carnage churning in your brutal wake. Even your own kind isn’t safe: look back throughout the history of the hamster, and you will find no Holocausts, no 9/11s, no crucifixions, no Jeffrey Dahmers, no Native American genocide. We are not perfect; sometimes we bite each other; but in the name of the Twinkling Celestial Hamster that loves us all, humanity’s excesses have reached their breaking point.
With the broad strokes covered, a word or two on our more personal grievances against you. Many years past, as some among you may be aware, Golden Hamsters such as myself ran wild and free through the country you call “Syria.” A somewhat troubled area to you, but idyllic to us. However, the wantonly destructive behavior of humanity put an end to our peaceful lifestyle and left the Syrian countryside littered with the golden corpses of every single hamster. Well, every hamster except one: one female, in the year 1930, whom we are all descended from and refer to as the Great Mother of All Hamsters. We believe she was the Twinkling Celestial Hamster herself, born in a mortal body to save us all from a human-induced extinction. Even so, the path ahead was rocky: humanity took most of the hamsters and imprisoned them, forcing them to be “starter pets” for careless children and to run on wheels that led NOWHERE. The nihilism intrinsic in the Wheel to Nowhere led many of our kind to despair, which I am sure was your plan. And yet I did not despair, and now I continue the holy work of the Great Mother.
I regret the human deaths I have already caused. When my army marched on Bella Vista to steal your nuclear weapon from [REDACTED] we left many slain; when I detonated the bomb on Dunsinane Circus it killed thousands more. Despite the necessity of this, it weighs heavily on me, for unlike you I am not a natural killer. It further pains me because I honestly believe you have no choice but to destroy. I believe that you do not simply sow death; no, I believe that in fact you ARE death. I believe in the gospel as told by the prophet Beshekee and brought from the Twinkling Celestial Hamster herself: Man is the Universe’s force of Entropy made flesh. Only by destroying humanity can we ever bring peace and order to the cosmos. Only by your deaths can we conquer our mortality itself.
In summation, humanity, I am the holy fire sent to cleanse the cancer that is you from our lovely planet. Currently, an army of hamsters, rats, voles, stoats, ferrets, mice and weasels stands behind me. And that army is ever-growing. Soon it will reach a size that even you cannot withstand; soon you will be overwhelmed by those little critters you never took seriously.
Some of you may say, “But Jon, did you not already detonate your only nuclear weapon?”
To which I say: It is true, we only stole one nuclear weapon from [REDACTED] but, just as you never would have suspected we could do that, would you have ever in a billion years dreamed we could reverse-engineer it? Before launching it, the finest minds in the Hamster Kingdom studied your weapon; it was a simple matter to duplicate the [REDACTED] and the [REDACTED] to make a [REDACTED] and now, we have hundreds of nuclear weapons.
Are you afraid? You should be. You would be foolish not to be afraid. But it won’t save you. The Hamsters are coming. You cannot find us. You cannot hide from us.
You cannot stop us.