Shit! A Kaiju!
by Derek Hobson
If you are not, nor have you been a Native American (named Joseph Sigo), who died and inhabited a horse only to be killed and concocted in Mengele’s lair as a Shark-Horse chimera, who would later devour a good portion of the Third Reich and find himself addicted to Nazi blood, thanks to Italian fascists, but managed to locate and befriend unlikely allies in Japanese-Italian-New Yorker turtles on their way to stop Japan’s newest threat, a Kaiju… then today was probably like any other day for you.
“You must be shapeless, formless like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend.” – Bruce Lee
“If a man is destined to drown, he will drown even in a spoonful of water.” – Yiddish Proverb
“Only an idiot fights when he knows he can’t win. Balls have nothing to do with it.” – Kensuke Aida
“Anyone who sees me has a date with his maker.” – Duo Maxwell
P.S.A from the KGB (Kaiju Groupie Bureau):
Joe Shmoe was average. He had a crew cut; shaved every other day; had a maid to avoid doing the dishes. He enjoyed his morning coffee and his Sunday brunch. He worked at a law firm, as a lackey, but there were high hopes for the fledgling lawyer. Many assumed he’d make partner before the end of the decade.
Yes, Joe Shmoe was average. According to colleagues, about the only thing ever to happen in Shmoe’s life that was out of the ordinary was once, he adopted a puppy–named it Minnie–but sent it right back to the pound. A puppy proved to be too erratic for the average man. Joe enjoyed routine, familiarity, and consistency.
All this mentioned because, you can imagine on this particular day, after Joe Shmoe had filled his mug with employer brewed coffee, he looked out the window to see a gigantic, scaled monster tearing skyscrapers from from the ground and hurling the industrialist hallmarks at military aircraft. Amid the fires and explosions and cacophonous rumbles from falling debris, there was a whizzing plane–in the shape of a turtle–firing shuriken-modeled missles at close range.
On behalf of the Kaiju Groupie Bureau, this man did not die directly from the Kaiju, but of an embolism in his brain at the mere sight of four turtles in a plane with a hybrid Shark Horse about to take on a Kaiju.
Shit! A Kaiju!
“A ninja does whatever he can to win the fight!” Raphael hollered over the combined roar of the engines and the Kaiju’s bellow.
“The trick is to do it honorably.” Leonardo yelled in as much of a whisper as he could muster.
Shark Horse (Joseph) was neatly seated on the wing, feeling the cool air whip upon his leathery skin. In the distance, he could see an oddly shaped skyscraper going toe-to-toe with another skyscraper. He feared that a “skyscraper” however, was wholly synonymous with “kaiju.” His belly rumbled.
“I could sure use a slice of pizza right about now.”
Shark Horse glanced over to Michaelangelo, who was gripping his stomach in agony.
“Keep it together, Mikey,” Donatello shouted.
“Remember the way of the ninja.” Leonardo said.
Mikey nodded and crossed his legs on the wing. He inhaled deep, but slowly. Shark Horse could almost see the bipedal quadruped moving in slow-motion and the hunger subsided in Michaelangelo. Shark Horse too, felt that this was an opportunity to harness his own hunger. He struggled to cross his legs, adjusting his hooves awkwardly onto the wing. He tried to push his fore-hooves together and inhale, but continued to lose balance. Suddenly, he felt his leathery aft slip backwards. He opened his eyes, and realized he was much further back than expected. He cast his hooves forward, but fumbled on top of the wing. The other turtles looked in horror as Shark Horse began to slide off the wing.
Immediately, Donatello thrust his bow out for Shark Horse. The staff caused Shark Horse to inadvertently lunge with his jaws and snap at the air. With his eyes squished shut, Joseph thought that he must have bitten through the staff and was plummeting through the air. He believed that the wind caught him like a wave and his body flapped like a flag in the wind. When Michaelangelo’s cheering didn’t fade from earshot however, he realized that he must still be on the plane.
Having bitten through Donatello’s staff, Shark Horse had planted his teeth firmly on the wing, locking him in place.
“Way to go, dude! Your satanizing your hunger!” Michaelangelo cried.
“That’s ‘satiating,’ Mikey,” Donatello corrected.
“The dude’s got it!” Mike said.
“Not quite,” said their leader, “That’s not finding your center, it’s just instinctual.” Leonardo turned to look more directly at Sigo, “The way of the ninja is not the same for everyone. We get our center from meditation, but it may not work for you.”
“Guy thinks he can just fly too,” Raph hissed, “Yeesh. Ain’t you got enough going on?”
Leo continued, “If you want to control your appetite, save your life, and annihilate the Third Reich so we don’t have to end you, then you need to be able to find your center. Get in tune with your body. From fighting you in the sewers, it was obvious you hadn’t been in that body for long. Feel it out. Adapt to it.”
Sigo found Leo’s monologuing, albeit tiresome, rather advantageous. He felt that the blue-banded turtle was taking advantage of Sigo’s inability to talk, but admittedly, the turtle had a point and made his case in a non-condescending way, which was very impressive considering Sigo’s saliva continued to whip out of his mouth in the speeding wind and splash onto his own face.
“A wise teacher once said, ‘Do as I say, and not Ninjitsu.” Mikey said with an index finger raised for poignancy.
“That’s ‘not as I do,’ Mikey,” Don corrected.
“The point is,” Michaelangelo said, turning to face Shark Horse, “You can’t just copy me, you need to make it your own. Find your own center. For you, I’d guess it’s about…” Mikey leaned back looking at Sigo’s long length, “It’s probably…” He shifted to the front looking at Joseph’s torso, “Well, I’m sure you have a center somewhere.” Mikey shrugged and turned forward.
Shark Horse’s vision blurred as he felt the rumble in his stomach return, so he loosened his jaw. The adrenaline from almost falling, pumped blood through his body once more and his belly was quelled. He could do this for now, but it wouldn’t suffice forever. As his sight returned, he noticed several other aircraft around them, all firing at a moving skyscraper dead ahead.
“That’s ‘Shit,’ Mikey,” Raph corrected, “Holy Shit. A Kaiju.”
Donatello leaned the throttle forward and clicked a bright, round trigger. Instantly, four missiles detached from beneath their seats and launched forward. Each one hit the beast along its scaled and plated back, blasting neon blue blood across the bestial landscape. Following this was a roar like nothing Shark Horse had ever heard before. It shook the sound waves so violently that he even felt his gills rattle like a washboard.
“And you kiss your mother with that mouth.” Mikey hollered, still gripping the sides of his head to keep the sound out.
“That got his attention.” Leonardo said, “Now move us outta here, Donny. We gotta get him out of the city.”
“On it!” Donatello said, spinning the plane around and heading back towards the beach.
As they whirred around, Shark Horse saw the panic in the streets. All people seemed lost, rattled, and frightened. However there were still a handful of locals who were wading off-shore on their surfboards, waiting for the beast to “bless” them with almighty waves.
“We have two more missiles,” Don hesitated, “Any volunteers?”
“Hah-Ha!” Raph hopped forward, straddling the head of a missile, “Rule #2, Sharko. Don’t be a bitch.”
Donatello hit the switch.
Raph and the missile detached, drifting backwards, idly paused in mid-air parallel to Shark Horse. Then, the missile started to gain momentum, blasting off at three times their speed. They had gained enough distance to put their plane above water with the Kaiju following after them. Raph’s missile was headed straight for the beast’s chest, but as it neared, Raphael stood up–making the surfers below shout in support. Seconds before impact, Raphael leapt off the missile. Extending both sais forward, Raph dove horizontally through the air at the momentum of a missile. Just as the rocket exploded on the Kaiju’s chest, Raph pierced the goliath’s eye and jettisoned out the back its head in a wet blue contrail. The behemoth flew forward in a blaze of agony.
The shriek that followed threw off several military planes, causing them to crash amongst the volcanic landscape as the titan crushed several naval ships in the water.
Raph however, had quickly punctured the beast’s back with his sais, clinging like a rock climber to the creature’s back.
“One more?” Don asked meekily, but he didn’t need to say it twice. Shark Horse bit through the wing and landed jerkily on the missile below. Sigo spit the remaining metal from his mouth out into the air.
Don hit the switch.
“Rule #3!” Mikey hollered, “It’s all understood in the drift!”
Shark Horse sped by. The rocket, blasting over the sea, blurring the dark lines of the waves with the white crests. All around him, black and white lines raced along as the Kaiju neared. Again, Sigo thought of nazi blood and he felt off balance again. If he fell this time, he would survive, but he feared more than that, snapping instinctually at the missile. He slipped. Immediately, he wrapped all four of his legs around the missile. He was secured… but everything was becoming numb.
The rocket’s incessant vibrating no longer phased him. The roars from the missile and Kaiju were muted now. Even his stomach suddenly seemed quenched. Perhaps it was the Shark part of him, but being on his back suddenly brought his whole body to peace. He grinned dopily… but his mind overtook his “zen.”
‘Jump,’ he thought, ‘Jump. Jump! JUMP!’ Shark Horse swung right-side up and struggled to his feet. The surfers below critiqued his posture. The Kaiju was massive now, blue blood pooling in one eye socket, and spilling out into the ocean, painting the sea with bioluminescence. He was close enough to see the monolithic plating of this beast; it’s chest, coarse with scratched scales. And, growing in size and proximity was one hand–one, claws-drawn, malevolent hand–coming right for Shark Horse and his missile.
“JUMP!” Raphael yelled, clinging to the titan’s back, “JUMP, YA BASTITCH!”
Alas, Sigo crouched to prepare for launch, but he slipped from his missile. Just before falling however, the shift in weight redirected the missile’s trajectory upwards, aimed directly at the Kaiju’s palm.
It made contact.
The explosion lit up in red and yellow sparks, only to be quelled by the vats of blue blood splattering from the beast’s lost hand.
Shark Horse smiled at the destruction, falling into the sea.
Shark Horse drifted beneath the waves; beneath the roars; beneath the violence. He sank deeper and deeper down into the depths; the vibrations from the Kaiju grew fainter and fainter; the noise from the destruction grew more and more distant. He felt… peaceful.
“It’s all understood in the drift…”
He thought of Michaelangelo’s words… was that just a contrived plot device to avoid further dialogue and character development, or did it really mean something?
Shark Horse fell back into his element, back when he first drifted into his Horse, now himself. Back when he drifted into a shark…
Shark Horse’s eyes opened to a a surge of electricity. A power he had not felt before. It raced up and down his body, through the very fibers of his mane and out through his gills like a cooling vent.
He was jolted awake in the pit of blackness. Something massive was above; something inhuman… in-Kaiju.
Awake, he spun right side up and shot like a torpedo upwards to the surface. He flew through the water like the air before. It was thin, easy. He neared the surface, hearing the raging sounds of a behemoth; seeing the bluish light of night; feeling the electric currents racing through the environment.
He erupted high into the air, feeling almost capable of flight, and witnessed two beasts where one had been before. Shark Horse did not know how long he had been underwater, but in the brief seconds of being airborne, he pieced the aftermath of the explosion together… almost as though… he understood it in the drift:
The turtles had reveled with Shark Horse’s missile explosion. Especially since, it was their last one. The Kaiju however, was unamused. With one arm obliterated to the elbow, the beast went on a greater rage than before. It wreaked havoc on the tankers and battleships. It whipped its tail into dozens of aircraft. The frenzy caused Raphael to lose control and he was hurdled over lengths of the marina and landed in the ocean. Immediately, he started swimming for the shoreline.
Noticing their brother in the sea, the remaining turtles flew in close to the Kaiju to distract the monster from Raph’s whereabouts. This of course, had no effect on the Kaiju who had seen–very clearly–the cretin that went straight through its eye. It quickly trudged through the waters in Raph’s direction.
As a last ditch effort, the turtles typed in coordinates for a backup machine, what they referred to as their Jaeger Gamora.
Leonardo handed Michaelangelo and Donatello each one of his swords. Then, the three piloted their turtle-plane straight for the beast’s head–unable to ignore them any longer. Of course, Leo ditched the aircraft, long before it reached the Kaiju, in an effort to reach Raph quicker.
Don and Mikey used the momentum of their flight to jump at the Kaiju, each planting themselves on the Kaiju’s body with the aid of Leo’s swords. Meanwhile the Kaiju swiped at the plane, but the poor depth perception of one eye, only allowed it to catch half of the craft and the other half crashed into its face. This caused no severe damage, but through the Kaiju off long enough for Mike and Don to regroup at the creature’s back and for Raph and Leo to swim amongst the docked naval ships.
Then the creature played a bit of cat and mouse, hunting for the rogue turtles, that is until their Jaeger Gamera showed up.
Leonardo and Raphael jumped in to pilot it, even though Raph is always reluctant to drift with his brother.
“You know I don’t like you being in my head.”
“And that is the only reason we don’t use this as our primary vehicle.”
The brothers drifted, each hemisphere combined, and together they fought the beast, mano a mano.
When the first blow was struck, Mikey and Don jumped ship and commandeered some of the idle surfboards in the water. They gained distance quickly and watched the fight from afar.
All was going well, until…
Shark Horse splashed back down into the water. Raph and Leo had been rendered immobile due to this large electrical surge brought on by the Kaiju.
The Jaeger Gamera was a sitting duck.
Swiftly, the Kaiju pummeled the machine, clearly taking personal offense to its aggressor. It grabbed one of Gamera’s arms and torn it clean off. The cries of Leo and Raph could be heard from inside–still being mentally linked to the Jaeger.
The creature was far from finished still and it reached straight for Gamera’s face, prying its jaw open and snapping the top half off. Raph and Leo were exposed.
Shark Horse meanwhile, was racing over, porpoising out of the water at shockingly fast speeds. He felt in his element. He felt faster than a shark; faster than a horse; faster than a missile. He reached the Kaiju taking its time eyeing the exposed turtles.
Quickly, Shark Horse started whirling in a circle, creating wider and wider laps around a fixed spot. He was creating a spinning whirlpool. Of course, the Kaiju would’ve paid this more attention but it was far too busy delicately reaching a claw tip towards Raphael’s eye. In one swift motion, the creature swiped up, slashing Raph’s eye out.
Raphael gripped his eye and cursed the Kaiju incessantly. Leo cried out to his brother, feeling the agony of Raphael, but knowing his was just a mental pain. The Kaiju rocked back, seemingly with delight, and then brought its face in close to the two of them. It’s one working eye yellowed with feverish contempt. The turtles felt the humid bursts of air through its nostrils. This was it.
Shark Horse had achieved unreal speeds, he felt as he did on the missile, where time had slowed and all was relatively stationary. He could not even see for himself how fast he was moving for he hardly appeared to be moving at all. Then, at the peak of his speed, Sigo dove down several meters, only to bolt back up through the center of his whirlpool. The suction caused from Shark Horse, bowing through whirlpool’s center, caused the centripetal force to turn the phenomenon inside out, propelling Shark Horse out of the water with all the force and power of a missile.
A sight which caused the youngest of the brothers to shout, “Tubular!”
Shark Horse lunged directly into the Kaiju’s plated chest, drilling into the creature his razor sharp teeth.
Scales splintered aside as alien flesh splattered the surface. Shark Horse was ravenous, eating away at the Kaiju in sections, feeling his appetite being sated despite the lack of fascism. He reveled licked his lips as sinews of muscle filed into his mouth like spaghetti.
Then, a deafening drum sounded about Hawaii and Shark Horse spiraled into the Kaiju’s chest cavity. Despite the realm of science, Shark Horse latched onto the creature’s heart and practiced Mengele’s teachings as well.
Leo and Raph had detached themselves from their locked positions. Raphael still covered his eye, while Leo huddled over him. The two looked up at the titan, once their enemy… now…
The Kaiju looked at the turtles and a new grin replaced the malicious one. This grin was mirrored in their pupil in the chest cavity. Despite not having any sort of mechanical engineering, the turtles knew, Shark Horse had drifted with the Kaiju, making the first Jaeger Kaiju operated by man (er, Shark Horse).
“But how… how can he do that?” Leo stared at a loss.
Almost as though Donatello was reading his mind, he said aloud to Mikey, “He already has half a lobe of a shark and half a lobe of a horse, therefore, he can drift singlehandedly.”
“Whoo-hoo! Yeah!!” Michaelangelo cheered, “It’s time we end this war!”
To be continued in Chapter 7: For the Millions