Shark Horse (Part 12)

Shark Horse

Chapter 12: Shark Horse and the Vampire Sharks From Atlantis

By: Derek Hobson

“By such reflections and by the continuance in them of a divine nature, th qualities which we have described grew and increased among them; but when the divine portion began to fade away, and became diluted too often and too much with the mortal admixture, and the human nature got the upper hand, they then, being unable to bear their fortune, behaved unseemly, and to him who had an eye to see grew visibly debased, for they were losing the fairest of their precious gifts; but to those who had no eye to see the true happiness, they appeared glorious and blessed at the very time when they were full of avarice and unrighteous power.” –Plato (Timaeus/Critias)

“He’s a ruthless war-horse, not a poodle.” –Tulio (The Road to El Dorado)

“Gold is a treasure, and he who possesses it does all he wishes to in this world, and succeeds in helping souls into paradise.” –Christopher Columbus

“The phenomenon of vampires has always appealed to me. Everyone kind of likes a vampire story because it almost could be true.” –Bill Nighy

“Before vampires were aesthetically appealing, they were physical anomalies and ostracized outsiders whom we banished to the dark, and they didn’t have the appeal that they do now.” –Ian Somerhalder

“I like vampires.” –Tommy Wiseau 

turtleblimp3Present Day, Somewhere over the South Pacific

Dr. McAlister didn’t know what to think. He was dressed, head-to-toe, in a suit of armor that was once somebody’s porch swing, sitting on the wing of a turtle-emblematic blimp with a teenage anthropomorphic reptile and a half-horse/half-shark chimera that was once a Navajo — a tribe he had reported on for his entire academic career — and together they were currently heading to — what he presumed could only be — their death at the hands (fins, rather) of vampire sharks in the lost city of Atlantis.

Then a thought came to him and he said so aloud, “Donatello, given the haste with which we left, did you by chance, make room for a Maximum Absorption Garmet?”

Donatello stared at the doctor, but given the stoicism of his reptilian face, McAlister could not determine if the turtle was uncomfortable with the question or simply didn’t understand.

“Uh, I can’t pull over if that’s what you mean, doc,” he said.

“Right,” said the doctor who wondered if he could hold it.

Luckily, the thought of holding his bowels conquered the thoughts of imminent death, exploration of the unknown depths of the Pacific, and the vampire sharks that were assuredly going to be there.

Donatello changed the subject to something less grotesque, “So Sharkster, I take it you don’t need that dildorse now that Lady Shark Horse is in your life. Eh; eh? Nyahahaha!” — less grotesque in Donatello’s book anyway.

Shark Horse shrugged the jibes off his shoulders, “It’s not like that.”

“Really, because the whole ocean shook when you two–”

“You felt that?”

“Wise man once said, fish in another man’s pond and you will get crabs,” Donatello looked over the blue landscape, now hued purple by depth. “And crabs are talkers, dude.”

“There’s a lot of unanswered questions,” Shark Horse said, dropping his boyish charm for his commissioner affectation, “Frankly, that’s part of the reason I had her take my place.”

Two Weeks Prior – January 2014

Shark Horse deliberately left Lady Shark Horse in his place at Santa Ana, California for you see, upon Shark Horse’s promotion (from vigilante to commissioner), there was quite a hubbub that took place. Not just in Santa Ana, but in America, in the world! Suddenly, recent chupacabra sightings and mermaid folklore started taking credibility. Scientists were transitioning their research studies from “finding the cure to AIDs” to the much more rewarding “finding the paranormal” which instantaneously gained credence with the discovery of Shark Horse; therefore investors and government grants were provided to these research students and UC Berkeley mentioned opening a Paranormal Studies department in the Fall of 2014. All this happened in the few short days after Shark Horse transitioned from being modern myth to commissioner of Santa Ana, CA.

Of course, with Shark Horse’s spotlight came many negative repercussions as well. Many believed Shark Horse should be tried for his crimes against criminals with people protesting, “No one is above the law!” However, the Santa Ana police backed Shark Horse and the State’s top lawyers hopped on the case. Many of which are trying to dispel the allegations against Shark Horse solely because he is “technically” not a human and those laws/rules apply only to humans. When that story broke however, Animal Rights Activists and PETA took the stand.

oliverWith this much hubbub, Shark Horse volunteered — against his lawyers’ wishes — to go on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart to explain his situation. Jon Stewart was one of the few television hosts who didn’t feel he needed armed protection from interviewing a shark since he interviews sharks daily. Shark Horse felt that it was also an opportunity to reach out to the young voters so that they would be more receptive of his position. Sadly, Jon Stewart had to do some last week reshoots for his upcoming film and they rehired John Oliver as a temporary contractor — since Comedy Central still owns him — and it was viewed by only a handful of people.

However, Shark Horse was honest and his answers went viral on the inter-webs. The fact that he was a chimera created by Prof. Mengele provided conspiracy theorists all the ammunition they needed to reaffirm their 9/11 inside job, Hitler’s escape to Argentina, and the US creating AIDs for warfare by experimenting in Africa.

In fact, some went so far as to proclaim that there was no Sea Wolf in the attack on Santa Ana and that “Lupa” was created to absolve Shark Horse of all his crimes so that the Santa Ana police force could continue to kill criminals.

Needless to say, Joseph Sigo’s life had suddenly become infinitely more complicated than his once simple life of a Navajo refugee who drifted into the Shark Horse chimera and fought crime.

For all the legalities involved, the lawyers told Shark Horse that he needed to stay within the city limits. Shark Horse was fine with this and continued to order the police force to inspect/stop crimes until it came to his attention that Santa Ana (the city) was broke.

“What do you mean we’re out of money?” Shark Horse asked the surly Deputy Chief of Police.

“Exactly that, shir,” The Deputy (Quinten Shaw) frequently vocalized his lack of authority. He refused to refer to the commission by his title or “Shark Horse” and therefore made an abbreviated ‘sir‘ with ‘SH’. The Deputy’s distaste for Shark Horse did not stem from the hierarchy — even though technically he was next in line to be commissioner — but rather, from the fact that he had a strong distaste for sharks. Incidentally, he also broke his leg when he went horseback riding as a youth, but Shaw considered that matter irrelevant. Regardless, Shark Horse knew the Deputy put the force above all else and wouldn’t do anything to sabotage the system, so he let the subtle disrespect slide.

“I don’t understand,” stated Shark Horse, “We’ve cut costs. While I may not be proud of it, I did devour a chunk of the criminal underworld,” he picked his gums reminiscing. “We haven’t had to pay for room and board and meals in a jail house because they are off the streets,” he tasted Italian, “for good!”

“Yes,” the Deputy said unmoved, “but with the damage done by Sea Wolf, we’re cutting corners just to rebuild.” Deputy Shaw sneered, “I don’t think you realize how important Cake was to this city.”

Shark Horse slammed his hoof on his desk, snapping it in half, splintering wood across the room, “NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW IMPORTANT CAKE WAS, BUT ME.”

The Deputy lost his composure and felt the blood drain from his face. Shark Horse reclaimed himself and breathed heavily.

“I-I–” the Deputy cleared his throat, “I only mean that we booked them for the whole weekend for a citywide event to raise money.” He took a breath, “We knew that if we sold tickets in advance, we’d be less likely to oversell, so we made it Pay on Entry. Of course, we paid Cake’s manager for the whole week, but they…” he stumbled, “weren’t around long enough for us to make a profit.”

cake-vinylShark Horse’s back was turned to the Deputy and he stared at his wall where his treasured vinyl copy of Fashion Nugget rested, “What can we do…” he said more to himself than Shaw.

“Well, shir,” Deputy Shaw was back to himself, “there is someone we can call upon…”

And that’s when Commissioner Shark Horse learned of Dr. Herman McAlister; and when he decided to leave Lady Shark Horse in his place.

Shark Horse didn’t know what to do about his… girlfriend? (technically, genetically boyfriend [fish friend?]) — lady friend, as the name suggests, that’s what we’ll go with. Shark Horse didn’t know what to do about his lady friend. Because she was not human, Shark Horse felt very… wrong. It wasn’t like the forbidden lust of Domino and it wasn’t the girl next door appeal of Arion.

Shark Horse was wracked with something. He didn’t know if his animalistic carnal desires had taken hold and were fending off his more rational, human self, or if he was in control and — in some way — had taken advantage of a weak-willed creature.

The attraction Shark Horse felt to Lady Shark Horse was real, but “love”? Lady Shark Horse professed that it was love when they rocked the sea bed, but did she understand the human concept of love or was she merely a shark looking to procreate? And, in any case, Shark Horse had only felt that passion because he thought she was Arion at the time. Now… it wasn’t love he felt; there was attraction, no doubt, but… love?

Shark Horse had many questions of lady friend, but didn’t know where to begin. As a result, because she was only “rumored” to have existed and didn’t catch the media’s attention, and because Shark Horse had to legally stay within the city limits, he asked Lady Shark Horse to stay behind for this mission. That way, the presence of a “Shark Horse” would be known in Santa Ana. And, better yet, Shark Horse could avoid having that talk with Lady Shark Horse for another author time.

One Week Prior – January 2014

Dr. Herman McAlister was in his small studio apartment in New York where he had successfully published his first book detailing Shark Horse, his origins, and, at last, his paranormal research and mythological investigations. Shark Horse was all the evidence he needed to formally showcase theories and findings with some credibility.

He took out a dusty glass from his shitty studio apartment’s wooden cupboard and poured himself whiskey that cost more than a month’s rent. He swished the thick liquid around, breathed the musk deep through his nose, and threw it back down his throat.whiskey

“Eaaaa–gh,” he exhaled, feeling liberated. After another, he felt positively fruitful. A third, he thought, would be all he needed to slip into an easy sleep. He poured the glass and heard some voices outside. At first he thought nothing of it, but then he heard heavy rapping on his front door. However, the only ones who knew where he lived were his publishers Primitive Screwheads  and they had called earlier to let him know that the book had been successfully published and even included a foreword from Clayton Beauregard. In fact, if they were coming to his front door with anything, then it would either have to be good news or a paycheck — which also fell under the category of good news. The thing with good news was, it could wait. It was immediate and would pass and therefore, he’d rather receive good news the next day, after his good nap was finished so that he could enjoy it more. The fact was, he was already two-thirds of the way through his whiskey, so he could not avoid this good feeling, but if he played his cards right and pretended he wasn’t home, he could assuredly avoid whatever good news awaits beyond the door until tomorrow.

The one thing Herman McAlister knew it couldn’t be was bad news. Bad news traveled much slower than good news. It’s why he was billed for a doctor’s appointment as opposed to paying forthwith. It’s why wars weren’t announced until after we had military troops on foreign soil. It’s why divorces only happen after the child is born.

No, it couldn’t be bad news and therefore, it was either good news or the wrong address and either way, his presence wouldn’t change the outcome. He smiled as he prepared to take his final shot, but then his front door burst open.

The door itself flew straight into Dr. McAlister, hurtling him backwards to the far end of the wall — which wasn’t very far since it was a studio — and he slammed into his bookshelf. Before he could see straight, he reached blindly for his glass. Somewhere in his subconscious, he knew it had shattered, but shots one and two were determined to find it whole and still waiting to be drunk.


Suddenly a paperback flopped next to him — it was Leo Tolstoy’s What is Art? He thought about this silently to himself as Alice in Wonderland landed thickly on the small of his back. Then Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead, whose sheer mass of ego nearly knocked him unconscious.

He turned and saw the bookshelf leaning over him like a jealous girlfriend over her boyfriend while he texts. It was falling. Again, his hands went looking for the glass, but to no avail. He flattened himself on the floor and waiting for impact.

But the impact didn’t come. Instead, when he opened his eyes, he saw above him a bluish-gray shark holding adjusting the bookshelf back against the wall.


“Are you Dr. Herman McAlister?” The shark horse had asked. And suddenly, McAlister realized that the shark horse above him was, in fact, the Shark Horse.

“Uh… well, er, yes.” He managed.

“Good.” Shark Horse yelled to someone in the hallway, “Hey Don, it’s the right one this time.”

“Excellent!” The voice replied.

Yeah! Ye- Yeah!!!

“I need to talk to you,” said Shark Horse.

“Yes, well, I’ve–” McAlister wanted to say that he needed to finish his drink, but his sobriety got the better of him. He finished with, “What of?”

Shark Horse sat, sitting the way a dog might, “I tried to read your book, only I–” he clipped his hooves together.

Suddenly a large reptile with lavender-colored bandanas appeared, “You should really make an audio book. I could play it to him in a robotic voice, but that’d just get irritating.”

“You are–”

“Donatello, doctor,” the reptile extended his “hand” to McAlister, “and when you decide to include my brothers and I in your next book, you can call me Donny.”

“Yes,” McAlister found himself hypnotically shaking the turtle’s hand.

“Let’s cut to the chase, Doc,” Shark Horse said, “I was told your book covers the invaluable ore or metal or…”

“Orichalcum,” Donatello finished.

“Yes,” McAlister said, awestruck.

“Well, where is it?” Shark Horse demanded.

“Where is it?” McAlister was coming out of his stupor, “Did you not read the book?”

Shark Horse grit his teeth and the turtle loosened his bandana with a sigh.

“Right, right,” McAlister recovered, “that’s why you’re here. Uh, yes. Orichalcum is one of the most valuable metals in the world; more valuable than gold, but it’s been returned — yes, that is — returned to the lost city of Atlantis… OH! Yes, except for the porch-swing that was recovered. The orichalcum porch-swing at the Guuberhagen Museum.”

“Will that work?” Don looked to Shark Horse.

“No… the point is to find ‘free money,’ not steal,” said Shark Horse, “We’ll have to go to Atlantis, and you’ll guide the way.”

“Did you not read my book?!” McAlister rose, then reminded himself that these were two chimera brutes and returned to the floor, “Right! Right. Right, my mistake. Well, there are vampire sharks there now — super powerful, relatively immortal, and deadly. They have these fangs, rows of them, terrible creatures they are — vampire sharks…”

“But you know where Atlantis is?” Shark Horse continued.

“I-I’ve speculated…”

“That’s the most we have to go on,” the two titans started to rise.

“Right, I’ll give you the coordinates from my book, you can find the city and I’ll work on that audio book.”

“Isn’t it at the bottom of the ocean?” Donatello reminded McAlister.

“Er… yes.”

“Locked in a sealed city?”


“So, someone whose researched this extensively would need to go down and find the entrance.”

“That would be corr… er, no, not me, not, no — anyway, you have it all wrong. See, I mean, I can tell you what to do.” McAlister rose.

“We’re not made of time.”

“Well, I- er, listen. Let’s talk about it. I–” a sober thought struck McAlister, “I couldn’t go down there; the pressure is too great!”

“We’re looking for Orichalcum to spend…” said Donny, “But what if we borrowed the porch-swing?”

Shark Horse grinned an insidious smile.

“I hear it’s quite malleable for something so strong.”

Present Day – Over the South Pacific

So here the Doctor was, sporting a porch-swing orichalcum, atmospheric diving suit alongside Donatello and Shark Horse.

“Should be getting close,” the doctor swallowed hard.

“Excellent!” Don said, “Eh, Shark Horse?”

AtlantisTheMythShark Horse was lost in thought, “I just always thought Atlantis was full of Athenians.”

The doctor sighed, reminiscing of his third glass of whiskey, “It used to be; vampire Athenians that is.”

“So how can it be–”

“Hundreds of years ago,” the doctor stated expositorily, “vampires lived. You may find it hard to believe, but they did, not only did they live, but they lived every life imaginable. The thing is I say hundreds of years ago, they lived because presumably most are dead now. But make no mistake, they also lived thousands of years before that!

“Vampires possessed super strength and, for all intents and purposes, were super sexy — since they have eternal youth. Again, they are immortal.

“The problem is people assume that vampires are classy people and the truth of the matter is, they grew into that. You see, if you suddenly possessed all the sex appeal of a horny college cheerleader and had the strength of thirty men, you would not utilize your powers and abilities to cure cancer. You would f*** around and drink and do all the stupid s*** you would do if you suddenly realized you would not suffer for it.

“No vampires were, more or less, frat boys — even the women.

“However, as I’ve said, they live many lifetimes. Think of the Hindu religion and how they developed the Karma Sutra to get ‘sex’ out of your system. Then, they want you to pursue fame, money, and greatness, and so on. They posited that you should live many lifetimes to get these carnal desires out of your system. What they didn’t realize was that the vampires already had lived these lives, but didn’t need to be reincarnated.

“Yes, they lived out every lifetime. They lived as politicians; artists; musicians; police officers; mortgage brokers; actors; athletes; directors; managers; business executives; writers; etc. etc. The problem was that all the young vampires didn’t see the point because they said, ‘How can those lifetimes amount to that one time I got drunk and made out with Cleopatra?’

“Because of this, vampires limited their population. They did kill off some of their own, but it was for the greater good. They wanted the mature vampires alive so that they could dedicate their infinite time to life’s biggest questions. They couldn’t risk more juveniles (juvampires — so they’re known).

“The juvampires weren’t the only ones with carnal desires though; humans, and just about every other animal, experiences such banal pleasures. So the vampires decided the best thing to do was build a city on the water, like an island that would drift along the oceans, allowing them time to meditate, postulate, and philosophize.

“From their own juvampire lifetime, they had hoarded the most valuable metal on the Earth: orichalcum. And they built Atlantis. The three main reasons they used this material is because 1. It can weather all climates. Being able to withstand all forms of weather meant that they would not need to fear rust or — and more importantly — sunlight. Therefore, they first built a dome out of the orichalcum so that they could build their city inside of it.

“2. Orichalcum is extraordinarily light. Even though the city would be inside a giant bubble dome, they needed a material that was light enough so that it wouldn’t sink.

“3. It is highly malleable. The lightness of it makes it easy to form so they could work quickly during the night.

“And that’s your Atlantis. It drifted for centuries, during which time, the vampires became akin to monks — full of wisdom and knowledge. They even learned how to manufacture their own blood substitute so that they did not need to slay humans or animals and what have you. And, because they were a drifting city, no one knew their exact location. Even those that stumbled upon it would not be able to navigate back to it.

“However, I’m sure you’re familiar with Plato’s rendition of the tale and how the citizens were punished for their avarice. It was not the vampires greed however, but the humans that brought Atlantis to the bottom of the ocean.

“You see occasionally people would stumble upon Atlantis and the vampires, having lost all concept of time, would open their doors to the humans to see if they could be educated. Of course the humans cared only for carnal desires however and would greedily ask for a trade.vampire-painting

“The vampires told them that the orichalcum protects them from the sunlight, but the humans said, ‘That’s all well and good, yes, can I have more wine? More wine, thank you. Where was I? Ah, yes. The mone– er, well, no yes, – the money. Your entire city is made from Orichalcum, but really only the dome needs to be made of the material. What is this? An olive? No, no. Beautiful garden, but no, do you perchance have french fries? Lovely treats. French fries and wine? Perhaps there’s more we can teach you? Oh, but your city. Yes, it doesn’t need all this orichalcum, how about we trade you our ore for some of yours.’

“The vampires saw their greed, but felt that they should practice what they teach and that perhaps humans lived longer now and would outgrow such objects of monetary value. But they didn’t; we didn’t.

“The problem came when one group of humans traded with the vampires and then attached an anchor to their floating city. Because the dome blocked all entry, the vampires had no idea that they were no longer adrift. The humans marked their coordinates and would return… again and again. Same Captain, but different boat, different crew. Usually he would stay on-board and let his men wander with the Oo’s and Aw’s.

“One crew member however, was so intrigued with the lifestyle that he ended up staying with the vampires — asking to be turned into one.

“The vampires didn’t see a problem with this, this time around because he’d be deprived of the banal pleasures.

“One day however, they heard a knock on the top of the dome and they went up to the top to open it. They creaked it open a bit and saw that it was night, then opened it all the way and saw that their domed city was almost entirely submerged!

“The captain had returned only to find that the city was too heavy now to stay afloat. So he waved at the vampire at the surface and dropped an anchor on him, sinking the city down below.

“Of course, vampires don’t need to breathe and their super strength kept their bodies from being crushed. Most importantly, because the bottom of the sea is pitch black, they actually felt that this worked out in their favor.

“That is… until the juvampire started having urges. While the aged vampires saw the submerge as a learning experience, the juvampire was already struggling with his juvampuberty — so to speak. I won’t go into the details now, but in an effort to ‘unleash’ his full potential, he shattered the blood factory within their city… that’s when the sharks came.

“The vampires tried to fight them off, but these sharks were descendants of megalodons. As one of their defenses is ‘the bite’, they bit… and they bit a lot of them.

“In short, the vampires were massacred… and in their wake was an army of vampire sharks.

“Lifetime longevity is the determining factor for intelligence. First the sharks slaughtered their prey and mated voraciously. Then, they learned, learned higher levels of communication; grew dexterous with their fins. They learned how to go on land.

“You see, when the sharks became vampiric, they too experienced a boost of strength (ten fold). It makes them pass through water with no resistance and with strength like that, they can go on land and convulse their bodies to woffle across dry terrain (woffle is the technical term). And, since they’re vampires, they don’t need to breathe.

“So when these vampire sharks aged, they grew more intelligent and studied the city of Atlantis. They read the journals, arguments, philosophies and documents left by the humanoid vampires who lived in the floating city. They expedited their learning and saw how their predecessors met their downfall by the humans’ avarice. In an effort to show that they are not their ancestors (the human vampires) the vampire sharks went out and slaughtered all those greedy humans who had orichalcum.

“The humans had used the orichalcum for many things, but primarily building, and that’s how the the Guuberhagen Museum came into possessing one of the last pieces of orichalcum still “on land” — and in the form of a porch-swing.

“And that’s why we will assuredly be killed in this venture,” concluded the doctor. “We’re here.”

“What?” Shark Horse awoke, a trail of drool dangling from his maw.

“Never you mind,” sighed the doctor, more fearful than ever that their death was imminent.

“Look,” Shark Horse reclaimed himself, “Whatever happens, happens. I have fought Kaijus that outsize me, I have slaughtered armies of nazis, I have taken a bite out of crime, I have combated a Sea Wolf that outclassed me in every way, at every turn… I’ve slept with a male Lady Shark Horse animal and that’s a whole mental battle on its own, but I’ve come too far and battled too many crazy creatures to be slayed by one of them now.”

And with that, Shark Horse threw a hoof over the doctor and they plunged off the blimp into the depths below.


NEXT TIME: SharK-KhaoS or 20,000 Leagues Under Siege

What is Shark Horse’s plan to get the Orichalcum?

What are the Megalodon Vampire Sharks plans for the Orichalcum?

Is Atlantis still flooded or is it hollow once more?

Just how “related” are the vampire sharks to Megalodons?

Stay tuned folks and visit our Shark Horse Series Bible for a summary of the series thus far!


    • Derek Hobson Post authorReply

      Haha! If this was school, you’d be reading ahead of the class!

  1. J.K. Post authorReply

    “I like vampires.” That’s the guy that made The Room, right? Have you ever seen that movie? We should make an audio commentary and release it for the site. Also, love the Jon Stewart/John Oliver bit. Stewart is totally gonna save the day in a future ShArc. And very excited to discover “Orichalcum”, I’ve got big plans…

    • Derek Hobson Post authorReply

      Haha, yes and yes! James Franco is making a documentary of “The Room” — on my twitter, I refer to it as the poor man’s Hugo.
      I’m excited to see what you do with it in Part 14.
      And yeah, orichalcum man. I did far too much research, but this is the first ShArc, I’ve started so I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

      • J.K. Post authorReply

        Yeah, Casey & I were discussing that so far, he & I have started ShArcs & ended the ones we started so it would only be fitting that you end this one. That doesn’t mean you need to end it in the next one or even write the next one, but since it’s only been the three of us, we should start and end our own ShArcs for the “first season.” Next season (after the vampire sharks ShArc), we can start to mix it up more. I’d love to get another writer or two working in this universe!

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