Shark Horse (Part 14)

Shark Horse
Chapter 14: Sharking Dawn
By Jeffrey Kieviet

Lady Shark Horse was bolting down the streets, Deputy Quinten Shaw clutching to his haphazard saddle. Shark Horses are not usually ridden by people, but this was an emergency. You see, dear reader, Quinten Shaw was sick. Very, very sick. Think of the worst food poisoning you’ve ever had. Now add to it all those nights in college you got so drunk you vomited all over that nice lady’s shoes and woke up so torturously hungover that you spent the entire morning praying to the toilet, asking it to swiftly end your life and flush you down the drain. Then multiply everything by semen.

You see, Quinten had swallowed (Dear, dear reader: if you are not up to date with Shark Horse, be forewarned that I’m about to say “swallowed radioactive horse cum.” Yes, I know, this sounds ludicrous, but if you know anything about Shark Horse, you knew this day would cum. Check out the Series Bible for a complete history. Also, find out how Quinten came to be in gastric possession of such a fluid in the most recent chapters of the Vampire Sharks of Atlantis story shArc, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, & the exposition) had swallowed radioactive horse cum. After learning the sole purpose of the human mouth, Lady Shark Horse had sown her wild oats all over Quinten’s face, neck, and chest. He’d also gotten a fair amount down his throat hole.

Lady SharkNow, if you recall, Lady Shark Horse was oceanic royalty, the Lady Contessa Regina Elizabeth Ophelia Franchesca de Shark. Back in the ol’ days, she was a beautiful hammerhead shark that spent her days lackadaisically swimming through warm waters, filling her belly, and singing songs about how all the things on land were fun and exciting (like somehow having feet to dance on totally beats being able to swim through the water like a murderous torpedo). But different life perspectives yield different wants and desires. The Olympic skater wants to win the gold; the lonely, drunk writer wants another tub of ice cream. It’s what’s important to you that matters… Anyway, the Lady Contessa was swimming in a particularly radioactive section of the ocean when she tried to eat a magical stingray wizard, but she was then bitten by a glowing green horse, and the wizard (who was a stingray) managed to escape.

After the bite, things got a little hazy for the once magnanimous Lady Contessa. She swam home, where she lived with her father, Lord Eddard Shark, and her “Uncle,” Baron Benjamin de Sharkmire. Her mother, the Lady Cat Shark, had left her father early in their marriage after learning about what Eddard and “Uncle Ben” had been up to every day at the “gymnasium.”

So Lady Contessa stumbled into her humble shark abode late that night and swam upstairs and went right into bed. She tried to feel the bite on her fin, but… y’know… fins. After a moment’s delirium, she passed into a frenzied sleep. There were terrible dreams about swimming through fields of standing seaweed in the open air, no water for miles. She dreamt of open planes and snowy mountains, things she’d never seen that existed out of her wondrous, watery world. And then she felt great pain in her spine. Her shoulders began to quiver and the hipbones near her tail began to tear. In her dreams, bones shot from the corners of her body, sheathes covered the tips of these new extremities, and from below her shark cloaca, a long, horse dong loosed and swayed in the water. She floated in pain, caught between sleep and a waking nightmare, when suddenly, she couldn’t breath. The air that passed her gills no longer provided sustenance to her crying lungs. Sharking with spasms, she bounced around unconscious, desperate to pull in oxygen. Then she was awake.

Her body was in a shallow shore, waves crashed around her, washing her higher and then lower in the sand. She pulled in breath through her mouth when the water left her, using her lungs as a land animal might, but she found her gills still functional when the cool ocean splashed back over her body. She tried to swim, to flip onto her belly and flop back into the water, but as she splayed, she noticed the bones she’d thought were only in her dreams; the jointed extensions were real, crossed under her, buried in the sand. Her legs. Her new, horse legs clumsily propped her up and she surveyed the world above the ocean. She was changed. No longer Lady Contessa Regina Elizabeth Ophelia Franchesca de Shark, no: she was Lady Shark Horse.

And now, in front of the hospital, the sick body of Quinten Shaw swaying on her back, the man full of her radioactive horse cum, Lady Shark Horse saw the person she was waiting for: Lucy Aberzeen. You see, Lucy had also imbibed the same radiated jism that was making Deputy Shaw so sick, only she was the Shark Horse Groupie; she’d swallowed so much more of it, and many hours before the unlucky Shaw. And now Lady Shark Horse saw what her radioactive horse cum had done, what creature her insatiable mouth-fucking had wrought…

Meanwhile, in Atlantis…

“Wait a minute, let me get this straight,” Count Sharkula stared accusingly at the rarely timid Shark Horse, his own vampiric eyes glinting red in the deep ocean light. “You ran into some money issues, so your first thought was to seek out the rarest substance on earth that was only located in a mythical, unobtainable place, potentially guarded by the most vicious undead sea-creatures time has ever heard of? You didn’t at least try a bake sale?”

Don put up one of his three fingers in victory. “It wasn’t unobtainable. We got here, didn’t we?”

Shark Horse smiled, as he knew this was as good a reason as any to have not have tried an easier route to get the money the great city of Santa Ana needed. Behind him, Dr. Herman McAlister (AKA Lycaeus Khaos) was seated in one of Atlantis’s many bejeweled thrones, the open ceiling presenting the magically beautiful metropolis. The fantastical carved orichalucum throne supported the ancient vampire as he took notes in his water-logged water log.

Shark Horse, Don, and Lycaeus Khaos (AKA Doctor Herman McAlister) were surrounded by creatures unknown to the surface world. Megalodon sharks that had been sired into vampires centuries before; magnificent, monstrous beings that shared so much with their chimerical brethren of Shark and Horse and turtle. The few leaders were closest, sharing information with their new friends: Count Sharkula, the smartest of the vampire sharks, who had an elegant cape and a dark patch of skull that dove into a pronounced widow’s peak (the brains of the group); Brody ‘Fangs’ Hooper, a petite female Megalodon who had a penchant for being crazy & unpredictable, but a charismatic strength that made her a leader in lesser shark’s eyes  (the wildcard); and last, but not least, Vlad the Inhaler, a horrific sight, bruised with battle scars, a shark with a Cetacean blowhole carved into his head to give him a surreal whale/dolphin resemblance (the muscle). There were, of course, several dozen other vampire sharks swimming through the halls of Atlantis, all with their own unique back story and quirky place in the group, the Vampire Sharks of Atlantis, but we don’t need to know about them until later. Perhaps much later.

Count Sharkula swam to face the turtle, sizing him up. “Yes, it is true. But you could not have found us had the brilliant mind of Doctor Herman McAlister not lead you to the deepest depths of Atlantis.”

“Please, Count, you do me too much kindness with your words.” It was strange to hear the doctor’s voice echoing underwater. To prove that he was in fact one of the ancient kind, the once juvenile vampire (juvampire [not to be confused with the jew-vampire, the creature who is frightened of the Star of David as opposed to the holy crucifix, and is allergic to matzah balls instead of garlic {because Christians… weren’t big on garlic? What the “F”, Bram Stoker? Why can’t vampires enjoy a good pizza?}]) who may have been responsible for the sinking of Atlantis those many, many years ago, Doctor McAlister had removed his SCUBA diving helmet 20,000 leagues under the sea. Well, many more than 20,000 leagues, but after that, who’s counting? Maybe Count Sharkula? Anyway, the doctor’s head should have popped like one of those balloons at the fair, resting on the head of a clown in whose mouth you have to shoot water… “like a clown’s balloon at the carnival.” Better simile. But he (the doctor) was sitting there, calm and steady, undead as ever, taking notes on the epic meeting between Shark Horse and shark vampire.

Go ahead, punk. Make my day.
Go ahead, punk. Make my day.

“You don’t need the orichalcum—man. We have—treasure troves that would supply the fine city of Santa Ana—with years of production value, they’d never worry about funding again!” Vlad the Inhaler was bouncing around like a kitten on caffeine, dashing through the water as if he was teleporting from place to place. He was, by far, the strongest and quickest of the vampiric creatures, but he had a simple, childish quality about him. “And—we can totally help you out!”

“But you help us, first.” Brody “Fangs” Hooper was staring at Donny & Shark Horse with a hunger in her eyes, a craving between her teeth. Vampires are known to radiate a strong, sexual desire that turns lust from a want into a need, the victim feels like they will literally die without it.

“How are we going to help you? You’re awesome, you’re the cat’s pajamas! Is there anything you couldn’t do?” Don was awed by the magnificent creatures, there was a look in his reptilian eyes that showed of his brain trying to process and memorize as much information about the unique beings as possible. He was especially fascinated with the doctor now that he knew he was an ancient vampire.

“There is… the prophecy.” Vlad was trying to make his voice sound ominous, but between the nasal nerdiness of his tenor and the bubbly way all the sharks sounded underwater, he just sounded like your geeky uncle Jimmy who still clings to his epic collection of comic books and is always spouting off about how they’re a wealth of knowledge and an investment in wealth but you never see him reading them and he never sells them to try to make a buck so why doesn’t he just let you read issue 300 of Amazing Spider-Man so you can finally see the origin of Venom? Damnit Uncle Jimmy, stop being so protective of your stupid comic books! I don’t even want to read them anyway…

“What is this prophecy you speak of?” Shark Horse tried to hide a smirk as Vlad’s unimpressive voice so reminded him of silly Uncle Jimmy.

“You’ve already completed the first part of the prophecy,” Count Sharkula continued. “You’ve returned the last of the orichalcum to Atlantis. We’ve managed to track down all that remains above the surface of the ocean. The last piece of the puzzle was the chair, guarded in that museum. But by turning it into a suit for the professor here—“

“An unnecessary but greatly appreciated gesture,” the doctor said as he shed the suit and floated, naked and pale in the cool water. McAlister couldn’t help but notice Don’s gaze lingering on his shrunk vampire junk bobbing in the flow of the undercurrent. A miscellaneous vampire shark took the suit in its jaws and carried it away for safe keeping.

“But now something else is coming,” Count Sharkula continued. “The very fate of the world may rest in your… hooves.”

The naked doctor swam up next to Shark Horse. “The prophecy is spotty. Some translations are very specific, others fall into vague obscurity. It refers to the mirror of ‘the Great One.’ We know that’s you, you’re ‘the Great One.’ A creature born to man, given to the land, and then birthed by the sea. I know Josef wasn’t a good man. He was a bit of a prick when it came right down to it; we all have our flaws. But he was a smart creature. He studied the prophecies until he could recite them in his sleep. He studied and searched… and eventually he created. He created you so you could fulfill your destiny.”

“Hold up.” Don interjected, colliding into doctor McAlister. His breast stroke must have been overzealous. Either that, or he was getting a little handsy with the good doctor. “Then who is the ‘mirror of “the Great One?”’”

“We believe that– to be your woman, the Lady Shark Horse. She will birth– the end of the world.” Vlad wheezed to Shark Horse.

“But, she can’t ‘birth’ anything. I don’t think she even has the right parts. I mean, she has a di—“ Shark Horse was about to say, “She has a dick for Christ’s sake” but he felt mentioning the lord’s name in vain in front of vampires wasn’t the best idea. “She can’t get pregnant. That’s all I’m saying.”

“The prophecies are not meant to be taken literally. She will find a womb. Maybe not yours, but life finds a way.” Fangs was slowly circling the group, it was making Shark Horse uncomfortable.

“Here the prophecy was very clear. ‘Born into the great one’s mirror, the end shall reflect out to the world, burning the oceans in their wake. A new kingdom shall rise, king and queen will reign over all, crushing all who oppose them under their might. Nightmares born of flesh, the beasts shall posses death at the base of their spines, crowned heads of demon lords, and the very hooves of the devil.” The doctor continued.

“But it also says the creatures will be powerful!” Count Sharkula chimed in. “They will have energy, some sort of… aura of death.”

“Well, ‘force field of necrotosis’ is the literal translation from the ancient Book of Shark.” Fangs corrected.

“What’s necrositus?” Shark Horse queried.

“It’s the energy that kills vampires,” Vlad offered.

“Vlad! Don’t give away our secrets! Just tell the whole world how to kill us.” Fangs mocked sarcastically. “This is why Obama took you off of Seal Team 6.”

“No, it’s alright. I trust him.” Doctor McAlister swam in front of Shark Horse and Donny, his pale cheeks floated like aquatic ghosts.

It's amazing what you find on the internet.
It’s amazing what you find on the internet.

“We have to,” Count Sharkula admitted. “Only the great one can save us. We have to tell him all we know.”

“But what about– this one?” Vlad gestured his fin toward Don, trying to prove he was useful and not just full of mistakes like his uncle Jimmy always told him. Actually, his uncle Jimmy always called him a “bag of dicks” but I always… I mean Vlad always… I always assumed he meant “bag of mistakes.”

McAlister sized Donny up. “I will take him as collateral.”

“What?!” Shark Horse and Don shouted at the same time. Shark Horse was angry, Don sounded shocked but there was definitely a hint of curiosity.

“Yes. Then, if you save us, Shark Horse, then you can have your friend back.” Count Sharkula’s eyes glimmered red, like two drops of blood soaking in the deep blue sea.

“Take him and I rip your heart out of your chest and shove it up your ass!” Shark Horse growled with ferocity. Immediately, every vampire shark stopped swimming in their spot and turned to glare at Shark Horse. Shark Horse is not an easy man (animal [thing]) to scare, but some writers might say that a thousand ancient and viscous undead Megalodons is enough to make even Shark Horse have a bladder spasm. He didn’t, of course, but some writers might say he did.

“No, Shark Horse. They’ll kill you! It’s all right. I’ll go with him.” Don began to follow doctor McAllister.

“Like hell you are.” Damn, Shark Horse is one badass motha—

“Don’t worry, Shark Horse.” Offered the doctor with a wry smile. “I’ll take care of him. We have whole rooms of oxygen, he’ll be fine for weeks.” The doctor and Don swam off, but before he was out of earshot he called back, “Although, for our sake I hope you are quicker.”

He wasn’t sure, but Shark Horse could have sworn he heard Don say something about “not that quick” but the words were lost in bubbly gargles as they entered one of the beautifully ornate buildings. Vampires… what are you gonna do?

Shark Horse looked Count Sharkula right in the glowing eyes. “If you harm one hair on his… I mean, not hair… he’s a turtle…”

“Not to worry,” Fang tried to soothingly coo out of the jagged razors that were her mouth. “You will save us, and then we will give you your friend.”

They all glared at Shark Horse, some in hope, some in fear, and he glared back at them with a seething hatred. “Fine.” He acquiesced. “How do I stop these creatures? If I can even find them.”

“Do not worry, they will find you.” Count Sharkula’s brow furrowed, deepening his widow’s peak.

“You were saying something about necropolis?” Shark Horse was getting down to business. He didn’t have time for the Count’s ominous threats.

“Necrotosis,” Fang corrected. “It’s the energy that kills vampires. The sun used to radiate the energy thousands of years ago, that is why the legends say vampires cannot walk in the sun. But then there was a tremendous flood, it changed the atmosphere and filtered out the cosmic rays. That is around the time vampires evolved to the final form you see before you.”

“And that’s why the doctor has been able to walk in the sun?” Shark Horse was starting to put everything together. “But what about that Nazi submarine? The Nazis haven’t been around for thousands of years!”

“Oh, Shark Horse. There is so much you do not know.” Fang gave him a quaint wink with her giant, Megalodon eyes. “But this is perhaps saved for a better time. If the prophecy is correct, and we know it is, the great terror should be on its way to meet you this very evening.”

Back in front of the hospital…

Santa Ana
Santa Ana

The sun was setting over the picturesque skyline of Santa Ana as Lady Shark Horse stared into the familiar eyes of Lucy Aberzeen. Only, they had changed. They were menacing, bulging in her narrowed face. Her whole being radiated an otherworldly nastiness, an almost etherial green glow. The body was no longer recognizable as human, but Lucy was still there behind the bulbous orbs above her muzzle. Her face had elongated to something reminiscent of a horse, but not quite. It was scaly and slimy, almost nautical looking. Going down her body, one might realize it was a seahorse face, because near her pelvis, a Hippocampus tail extended downward and curled toward her belly, spiraling inward. The body and head were now fat and blubbery, with frontal appendages of slippery flippers, like that of a sea-lion. Lastly, her feet had turned into cloven hooves; not the hooves of a horse, but more like a goat, like Capricornus, the sea-goat of the zodiac.

Lady Shark Horse couldn’t believe her cum shot had wrought such a heinous creature. And then, on her back, in his saddle, she felt the quivering body of Quinten Shaw contort in inhuman shapes. He fell to the floor, and as Lady Shark Horse stared on in horror, a curly tail sprouted through the zipper of the deputy’s trousers. His legs began to twist back and forth, grotesquely snapping backwards at the knees. His clothes ripped and his skin began to turn moist and shift in texture and color. His nose pulled forward into a hideous mockery of a noble steed. And then Lady Shark Horse noticed the tip of his tail. The Shark Horse Groupie’s tail was already fully curlicued, the point hidden as it turned in on itself. But she could see Quinten Shaw’s tip. The tip of his tail! Don’t be gross.

Anyway, the tip was a sharp hook, it glinted metallic in the sunset, and the very point dripped a bubbly liquid that sizzled when it splattered on the concrete. Lady Shark Horse turned just in time to see Lucy Aberzeen fling her tail like a scorpion… right at Lady Shark Horse’s face!

To Be Continued…

Manticore &seahorse

Catch the next installment in the epic Vampire Sharks of Atlantis saga – Chapter 15: Point Shark (or Shark Horse vs Radioactive Seahorse Manticores!)


  1. Casey Moriarty Reply

    Excellent! I love that we have a new villain on the horizon, and one that we set up in the last shArc but was truly unexpected. I also love that our two stories, about vampire sharks and radioactive horse-cum, have been tied together via a Hellboy-style prophecy.

    Derek, if you are cool with it, I’ll take Episode 15 and then you can (possibly) end one of the shArcs with episode 16?

    • Derek Hobson Reply

      Am I cool with it, he asks. HAR!
      Can I (possibly) end one of the shArcs. SCORF!

      I tell you what, you go ahead and do and I’ll write my own in an alternate universe!
      Just kidding.

      But, yes, I like where this is going. We’re getting more original characters and potential allies. I think that’s what I like most, is not every extraordinary creation or mythological creature needs to result in a battle, but rather, Shark Horse is finding himself as one piece in a fantastical world. Now that he’s gone public, he’s finding all the nooks and crannies of mystery.

      I guess what I’m getting at is, with the spinoff of Sharking Bad and the inclusion of John Hammster/Conotocasu(sp?), I feel like we can create more mythological side-stories that take place in this world. Even more than that, if Shark Horse ever died (heaven forbid), the tales would continue.

      • J.K. Reply

        If he dies you know we need to follow him to Heaven where he punches his way out. We’ll get Neal Adams to paint an iconic cover, like Muhammad Ali vs Superman, only Shark Horse vs God. As Kid Rock would say, “You wanna fuck with me? Don’t test the odds Cause your arms are too short to box with God.” Only this time, God’s arms are too short to box with Shark Horse. Ok, I’m actually just going to write this side story here in the comments:

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