Shark Horse (Part 15)



Observe, for the place of their eating the sacred sea lion of Passover was pointed out by Shark-Jesus (The Shark Lord of the Fish) and his disciples. And his disciples were “Salty” Peter, “Uncle” James and Jon “Hammster,” Sharktholemew, Philip, who was called the Whale Shark, James the son of Angelshark, Matthew the Cobbler Wobbegong, Thomas, who was called the “Tank Engine,” myself (Shark the Evangelist) and Judas Sharkscariot.

And as they were eating some surfer, Shark-Jesus said “Truly I say to you that one of you will betray me.” Being deeply grieved, they each began to say to Him, “Surely not I, Shark Lord?” And He answered, “The one who has dipped his fin in the bowl will betray me.”

And He took baby seal, and broke it, and said “This is my body, given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.”

And the Twelve Sharkpostles, not understanding metaphor, began to eat of the body of Shark Jesus. And about the ninth hour Shark Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, pulsa dinura, fokken sharkus sabachthani? That is to say, My God, my God, I didn’t mean literally eat me, you stupid fucking sharks.

But they did anyway, because they didn’t know any better, and so Shark Jesus was eaten before he could sacrifice himself as the Old Faceneckandchestament foretold. And in the moment before the Sharkpostles ate his face, Shark Jesus cried out this prophecy:

Woe to you, Sharks and Pharisees! Hypocrites! Truly I say to you today, that no Shark will be allowed to enter the Kingdom of Paradise until the coming of the Great One.

The Great One will be born to Man, given to the Land, and birthed again by the Sea. His visage will be terrible to behold, for ’neath his vast rows of Sharken teeth there will sit the Hooves of the Adversary; but in his heart of hearts will flow the poisonous blood of Mankind.

The Great One will return to the Lost Kingdom and bring with him the final vestige of her once great treasures; his cumming will be heralded with joy but be at great cost to all Sharks, for upon the land which is Forbidden to Sharks, the Mirror of the Great One, born in the sea and birthed to the land, will bring to bear an Abomination, birthed in Human Lust and cursed by the marriage of those two devils: Sorcery and Science.

Lo, the Great Abomination will be the curse of Death upon all three races, for it will be forged from the sins of all three species; the Rage of Selachimorphs, the Greed of the Equus, and the Lust of the Primates. Its jaws will bite, its claws will catch, and its full body will be wreathed in the dreaded Force Field of Necrotosis.

Only the Great One Himself can destroy the Abomination and lift my curse from all of Shark-kind! Know this: though he will be made by the most wicked of all Men; though he’ll sit atop the death-hooves of our Adversary; he will bring peace between three races if he embraces his nature as a True Shark;

To do so he must heed my words; hear ye, now, Sharks, for this is the only way that the Great One can ever defeat the Great Abomination – the only way that the Three Races can be saved – is if he- Oh, fuck!

It was then that we finished eating Shark Jesus; He never did get to complete the prophecy. Ah, well, as they say; those things are usually bullshit anyway.

– The Gospel of Shark 69:101 (heh, heh)


20140316-072546.jpgShark Horse was smoking a cigarette. Don’t concern yourself too much with the ‘how’ of it – he had no fingers and was still under the ocean – concern yourself with the ‘why.’ He didn’t care how much of a physical impossibility his partaking in this tobacco treat was; the fact is he needed it, and needed it bad. He’d let smarter beings deal with the isothermic implications of his Dunhill cancer stick – Sharks don’t get cancer, motherfuckershe just wanted to relax at the moment.

Fangs, you see, had jumped his bones. Well, perhaps ‘bones’ isn’t the right word – cartilage? – I’m not a Shark Horse Biologist, dear reader, but I believe my point has been made clear: Fangs, with all of her vampiric powers of seduction, had shown Shark Horse a dozen new ways that the pectoral fins of a shark could be put to use. Shark Horse, even with the Tantric Sharkour techniques developed by the surprisingly virile Donatello (Dr. McAlister would never know what had hit him) and his equine endurance, was exhausted.

He sat with his back legs bent, his tail sprawled across the algae-covered stone behind him, and his front legs stretched out in front of him, puffing away. Every once in a while, with great difficulty, he’d reach forward with a hoof and turn the page of the great ancient Shark Bible the Vampire Sharks had given him. Even as he scoffed at the ludicrous prophecies and nonsensical rules laid down by Shark Jesus (thousands of years before Primate Jesus, but around the same time as Horse Jesus) he couldn’t help but feel a bit nervous. The lines of the prophecy did seem to apply to him; he was made by the wickedest man who ever lived and he was of both the sea and land, after all; ah, hell, that must be a coincidence! There were probably lots of beings that prophecy could apply to… right?

Regardless of this, he wasn’t looking forward to returning to the land. The Vampires hadn’t been bad (except for Fangs; she was a bad, bad girl) but neither had they allowed him to take any Orichalcum, due to the rules in their stupid Holy Book. So not only would he be going back empty-hooved, he’d have to face Lady Shark Horse and either keep the whole Fang thing from her or, worse, admit it.

It was a moment of weakness, he thought, the Vampires are simply too sexy. Too sexy for my car! Too sexy for my party! Too sexy for my cat! But Lady Shark Horse would never cheat on me! I feel terrible. But, then, we were never officially dating, so…


His guilty, quasi-religious thoughts were cut off by a sultry voice.

“Shark Hooooorse… Thanks for putting a wooden stake through my heart, if you know what I mean,” it was her.

Fangs swam into the sunken grotto where Shark Horse was trying to read, clutching a bejeweled chest in her mouth.

“Oh, hi, Fangs,” he said shyly, “What… uh, what’s in the box?”

She placed the box on the stone seabed and smiled, showing her rows and rows of pearly white, pointed teeth.

“What’s in the boooox!” she said in her best Brad Pitt impression; as old and powerful vampires have shapeshifting abilities, the impression was terrifyingly accurate. Was there ever a real Brad Pitt? Never mind…

“It’s for you,” she said, reverting to her true form, “But it’s not free. You’ll have to come earn it.”

She smiled seductively. Shark Horse looked down, “Look, Fang, I’ve really got to get going. Y’know, Santa Ana needs me…”

Fangs gave him that sexy, sparkly vampire look that was irresistible to all mortal beings. Shark Horse felt the soft tissues in his cloaca stiffen, and he knew he had no choice. He tried to fight it for a second longer, and then he could no more… with a mighty gallop, he thrust himself towards Fangs and they –

[EDITOR’S NOTE: The following twelve paragraphs have been deleted, for they were of such a graphic and unknowable nature that they were found to drive ordinary mortals to madness. Rest assured that they did nothing to advance the plot of Shark Horse Chapter 15. And now, back to our story…]

“…I’m bleeding from everywhere,” Shark Horse finished as a he licked his lips. Fangs smiled again, “You may be a mare, but you’ll always be a stallion to me. Do you know where we are?”

“No,” said Shark Horse as his healing abilities struggled to close his wounds.

“This is Point Shark… the sacred grotto where Shark Jesus brought the law to the Sharks. If you look very hard, you can still see his fin prints in the ancient stone. That was over four thousand years ago. Before Atlantis sank. Before we became vampires.”


“But,” said Shark Horse, remembering Dr. McAlister’s history lesson, “How could he be on land?”

“This is before the land was forbidden to sharks,” said Fangs, “Before the War of Three races.”

“The War of Three Races?”

“Between Sharks, Men and Horses. Horses and Sharks came to a tentative peace, but the Sharks had to leave the land, and Horses had to leave the sea.”

“What about sea horses?” Shark Horse asked jokingly.

“SEA HORSES ARE AN ABOMINATION! THEY ARE EVIL!” cried Fangs, “Now it’s time for you to look in the box.”

Shark Horse reached towards the box with his hooves… and then he noticed Fangs had turned around and shut her eyes tight.

“Why aren’t you looking?” he demanded, “What the hell’s in here?

“Just open it,” said Fangs, “But quickly. I cannot look upon what’s inside. I am not worthy.”

His curiosity outweighing his caution, Shark Horse carefully lifted the top of the jeweled box. From within came a glow, greater than any gemstone; greater, even, than the orichalcum that surrounded the Atlantean grotto. Shark Horse began to lift the lid further; and he saw what was inside. Then he noticed that Fangs was trembling in pain.

“Close the box!” she cried. Shark Horse did as she bade.

“Is this a trick?” he asked Fangs.

“No,” she said.

“Forgive me if I don’t believe you,” Shark Horse said, “But the object lying within that box… is a piece of shit.”

She nodded, turning back to him, “Yes. Not just a piece of shit. THE Piece of Shit. The Holy Piece of Shit!”

“What?” Shark Horse found himself more confused.

“You’ve been reading the Shark Bible,” she said, “You know what happened to Shark Jesus. He was eaten by his followers; and when they shat out his remains, so the story goes, one of them gathered the Holy Shit and put it in that box. It is an item of powerful magic; a holy relic that will bring you protection in your hour of greatest need! But only you can touch it; as unholy, cursed vampires, it causes us pain to simply be near, unless it’s in that lead-lined box!”

“Like Kryptonite!” Shark Horse said, once again trying to make a joke.

“DON’T SAY HIS NAME!” Fangs cried out, once again weirdly offended, “THE NAME OF THE ADVERSARY!”

“Wait, what name?” said Shark Horse, “Krypt-”

“THE ADVERSARY! THE-HORSE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED!” Fangs was practically hysterical, “A glowing green horse… who has killed more sharks than any other… the enemy of our people, fueled by Science as we are by Magic.”

“Why do they call him… that name?” Shark Horse wondered.

“Because…” Fangs stammered, fearful at the very thought of the Adversary, “Because he also killed Christopher Reeve.”

“Oh. Well, thank you, Fangs, but I really don’t need an ancient piece of crap-”

“Oh, you do, Shark Horse, you do,” Fangs said, “Now take it, and go. The Three Races need you – you must accept your nature as a True Shark, for the good not only of Sharks, but also Horses and Men. The Three Races which have been at odds for millennia can only be brought to peace by you. You can lift the curse of water-dwelling that’s upon us! You can free us from this damned life! But be careful… trust no one… thank you for the sexing.”

She kissed him on the cheek – ripping out a sizable chunk of his flesh as she did so – and then, with her tail, patted his ass and sent him on his way. Clutching the box that contained the Holy Shit, Shark Horse shot upwards like a torpedo.


Lady Shark Horse dodged the poisoned tail that was heading towards her face – but only just barely. Lucy Aberzeen, the Shark Horse Groupie, was expanding in size and hideousness at an alarming rate. Her face, which was still vaguely humanoid, was screeching at Lady Shark Horse.

“What did you do to me?” she demanded.

“Sorry,” Lady Shark Horse was stammering, “I didn’t know that-”

“SILENCE!” Lucy roared, and lunged again towards Lady Shark Horse. Turning swiftly upon her skinny equine legs, she dodged that flickering tail again, only to watch it crash into the support column of Santa Ana General Hospital. Chunks of concrete, drywall and paper flew everywhere as the crooked, brightly colored tail tore apart the hospital walls.

I must have been stuck among these stupid humans for too long, Lady Shark Horse thought, Because I want to save some of them from dying if I can. That’s how Shark Horse would think! And he’s a pussy!

Against her better judgement, she lunged towards the monstrous creature that had once been Lucy Aberzeen, her fearsome rows of teeth gnashing cruelly. The monster grinned… “I sucked your dick,” it said in its deep and screechy voice, “And you did nothing for me! Typical male!”

“I’m not a male,” Lady Shark Horse said indignantly. She furiously sank her teeth into Lucy’s iridescent leg; as she did so, she felt what seemed like a lightning bolt jolt through her body. It hurt to bite this creature! Lucy flung Lady Shark Horse to the ground, and then moved towards the hospital bed where Quinten was undergoing a similar change.

“Join me, Deputy,” Lucy was whispering. Lady Shark Horse got up, and once again lunged towards the lumbering menace that was causing such damage towards this human hospital.

“You leave him alo- URK!”

Lady Shark Horse suddenly felt cold. She looked down.

Straight through her thick, equicthyous chest, there was a gaping hole; through the hole there poked the barbed, shimmering tail of Lucy Aberzeen, the Shark-Horse-Groupie-cum-Seahorse-Manticore. Now Lady Shark Horse felt that same electrical jolt course through her body; the stinger that pierced her was drawing something out of her. Drawing out her power! She felt her magic leave her; she felt the radiation in her body going too. As Lucy Aberzeen drew out her powers, she grew larger, stronger and more sharklike.

Lady Shark Horse, her abilities gone, flopped down onto the shattered hospital floor, an ordinary noble shark once again. Outside of the water, she couldn’t breathe – and there was a great gaping hole through her cartilaginous chest.

Soon after…

Shark Horse burst from the sea and Sharkoured across the streets of Santa Ana, having shattered every speed record he or any other land creature had ever set before to race from the Atlantic Ocean back to the west coast of the United States; even with the lead box containing the Holy Shit tied around his neck, he ran faster than the fastest cheetah.

But it was too late.

Santa Ana lay in ruins. The gates to the once great Santa Ana Zoo were torn apart; wild animals roamed the shattered streets. Cop cars were smashed through the walls of the biggest buildings; the Discovery Cube had been hurled halfway across the city and smashed into a residential area; hundreds lay dead.

In the sky, the Shark Signal flickered futilely, hopelessly begging for a savior that had never come.

Shark Horse’s brain was racing – Lady Shark Horse! Where’s – what happened? Oh, Shark Jesus, no-

“Hello, Shark Horse,” there came a voice. He turned, panic in his heart.

It was that girl – the one who’d tried to fuck him that one time! What the hell was she doing here? What was her name, anyway? It didn’t matter.

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” he said, “But I need to find my love – yes, my love – and I don’t have time for you at the moment.”

It sounded harsher than he’d intended.

“You don’t have time for me,” the woman said, “You never did. No one ever did. I’m a groupie. No one cares about my name. Before they died, I was a CAKE groupie; but then all I wanted was you. And you wouldn’t even fuck me! You wouldn’t even learn my name!”

The woman yanked open her corset, exposing her gorgeous human breasts, “These don’t interest you? John McCrea loved them! But he didn’t know my name either! And maybe you’re not human enough to enjoy them. Howabout this?”

Before Shark Horse’s eyes, she began to transform; now, instead of a human, a sexy thoroughbred stallion stood before him; it was beautiful enough to make Secretariat look like the Kevin James of horses. Then, she transformed again. Now she was a great White Shark, even prettier than Fang was. Shark Horse felt his cloaca twitch; he was torn between which of the Three Races he truly belonged to. Just as the Shark Bible had foretold.

But now, the lady was changing again.

“No one ever remembered my name. Nobody ever cared, no matter how mean of a cock I sucked,” her voice was getting deeper. Her skin was changing to the lustrous opalescence of the most evil sea horse that had ever lived.


“But now they’ll remember!” she cackled, “My name is Lucy Aberzeen, but you can call me the Great Abomination! And, before they die, every member of the Three Races will learn to fear me!”

Shark Horse’s eyes widened; the monster, formed from the unholy union of Sorcery and Science, was increasing in size; and it was quick, too…

This is the worst thing to happen to Santa Ana since the massacre of CAKE… Oh, NO! Sharkham Asylum! Is it safe? What if Lupa is…

His morbid thoughts were cut off in an instant; Shark Horse wasn’t fast enough to dodge the barbed tail; it drew a fearful slit across his shoulder. He felt a jolt, like a bolt of lightning, fill his body. Then, he felt something leave him…

He looked down at his hooves, but they weren’t hooves anymore… They were growing fingers once again! Shark Horse felt his great strength leaving him… suddenly the lead box holding the Holy Shit was weighing him down to the earth… Lucy Aberzeen was growing more and more powerful, drawing all the magic and radiation from around her, and spreading death to every living thing in Santa Ana with her hateful Force Field of Necrotosis. He had to stop her before she became truly omnipotent, for she now sought to earn fame through extermination… she had to be stopped!

Lucy grabbed the lead box that held down the weakening Shark Horse in a single claw… she lifted it up, pulling Shark Horse with her. She sniffed it… and grimaced horribly. With her massively increasing strength, she flung the lead box into the sky. It pulled Shark Horse with it, and the box and the Great One were hurled miles through the air.

As he flew, Shark Horse realized that he was weakening further and further… And then he was in the upper atmosphere… He couldn’t breath – him, Shark Horse, I don’t need to breathe – and the world was spinning around him.

Three miles in the sky, and almost completely reverted back to his weak, old human form by the dark Science-Sorcery of the Force Field of Necrotosis, Shark Horse knew he had only one chance.

With his trembling, now human fingers, he opened the box containing the Holy Shit…


Will Shark Horse survive?

Can Lucy be stopped?

What has become of Lady Shark Horse? What about Quinten? WHAT ABOUT SANTA ANA?

All this, and more, next time in…

Sharking the Law!

1 Comment

  1. J.K. Reply

    Love the Old Faceneckandchestiment! All the biblical stuff. The Shark Horse Bible is going to run out of room soon.

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