Episode 4 – SONIC: METH ADVENTURE
By Jeffrey Kieviet & Casey Moriarty
“We tried to poison you. We tried to poison you because you are an insane, degenerate piece of filth and you deserve to die.”
– Walter White
“That doesn’t work. They just shit blood when you do that.”
– Casey Moriarty
Splinter watched in horror as the little white gloves, moving in a furious flurry, reddened with the blood of the two-tailed fox.
“I hope this insane hedgehog does not kill me,” Splinter whispered to Raphael.
“What about me?” his turtle student balked.
“I am indifferent,” said Splinter, “For you see, my beloved April is expecting.”
“Expecting what?” Raph hissed.
“A baby, dipshit,” said Splinter, “I apologize. That was inelegant.”
“Your wife is pregnant? But how?” Raph asked.
“I… Well, you see, when a woman and a gigantic mutant rat fall in love, the woman gives the gigantic rat a type of ‘special hug,’ wherein a tube is placed inside the woman’s.-“
“No, I mean, how can she be pregnant with your baby? You’re not even human!”
Splinter did not seem to hear him, continuing, “I crawl into this tube and root around in the ‘dark place,’ where there is no Sun to speak of. Upon climax, I deposit my rodent seminal fluids all about her-“
“God dammit, Splinter, how can a rat have a baby with a human?”
“Oh,” said Splinter, “I suppose it will be a half-rat baby.”
“More like a quarter-rat baby,” said Raph.
“How do you mean?” Splinter asked. Nearby, Sonic was still beating the everloving shit out of Tails.
“Cuz, like, she’s human, and you’re like half-human,” Raph said, “It’s arithmetic, bitch.”
“Please do not call me a-“ Splinter started, but was abruptly cut off by the wail of an evil blue Mexican hedgehog.
“Hey! What’s the matter!” Sonic the Cholo was yelling at the splattered, caved-in skull of Tails. “Can’t take an ass kickin’?”
“He cannot answer you,” said Splinter warily, “For, you see, you have punched his brain out of his skull.”
“Don’t you know, like, science or some shit?” demanded Sonic, “Blow in his mouth!”
“That would not be effective,” said Splinter, “He no longer has a mouth. You have punched it, as well as the rest of his head, into oblivion. This fox has died.”
“Yeeeeaah, Science, bitch!” Raph bellowed. There was an awkward moment as he realized that this may not have been an appropriate time to do this.
“All right, I’m outta here, you two fairies clean this mess up,” said Sonic, “I’ll be back in a week for another pizza. Hasta la vista, eggheads!”
As Sonic quickly disappeared in the distance, Splinter & Raph looked down at the mangled corpse. “We need to hide this body,” Splinter said somberly.
Raph bent down and threw a couple handfuls of dirt over the orange fur. “We good?”
Splinter nodded and they took off for home.
“Ok, what the hell are we going to do about that hedgehog?” Raph blew rings of smoke as he lay back on the small couch in their hovercraft/mobile meth lab. He offered the joint to Splinter.
The rat shook his head. “We… we need to kill him.”
Raph coughed and sputtered as ash cascaded down his carapace (def. – the under side of his turtle shell).
“It is a matter of survival! He will kill you. He will kill me. He will kill my family.” Splinter was neutrally matter-of-fact. “You saw what he did back in the Neon Zone. He beat that poor little two-tailed freak to death. And for what? For scuffing his shoes. And that was his partner! He is a danger to us. A danger to our lives. A danger to our business. We need to take him out.”
Raph stared deep into Splinter’s eyes with a glazed and glossy squint.
“Did- did you just hear anything I said?” The rat asked skeptically.
“Ye—eess…” Raph answered with fragile conviction. “Something about a… neon something… flytrap?”
“The simple way would just be to shoot him,” Splinter continued. “But that would be messy and leave an easy trail back to us. Besides, I don’t think either of us has much training or experience with guns.”
“What about sais,” Raph offered enthusiastically. “I mean, you trained me in the art of ninjitsu to be a killing machine. We’re both highly trained ninjas. Couldn’t we just go in and stab him or something?”
Splinter went on as if he wasn’t listening. “The best way would be poison, but what kind? Rat poison would be the best but I wouldn’t touch the stuff. And I can’t ask you to do it. I can’t sully your soul by putting a man’s life in your hands. You haven’t technically killed a guy yet so you’re still an innocent. Boy, I sure hope I never have to make you kill someone someday.” The rat waxed-on and waxed-off profusely. “The best way to poison him would be ricin—“
“Rice? Like pigeons in the park? You can’t do that, it doesn’t work, they just shit blood. No. You have to feed ‘em Alka Selzter. They pop while flying in the air, just like the Heisenburg and shit.”
“Hindenberg.” Splnter corrected him.
“Yeah, whatever. But that’ll work, we could poison him with Alka Selzter.” And Raph smiled a goofy, stoned grin.
Shark Horse was practicing his Sharkour as he raced through the Neon Zone. As he dashed through the loopdy-loop, he spotted the dirt-covered body of Tails. “Wait a minute,” Shark Horse said to himself. “There’s no dirt in the Neon Zone. How did this get here? There’s something not right about this. Not right at all. Oh, but that fox smells so delicious. Like pepperoni pizza!” With a gulp and gargle, Shark Horse swallowed up the little fox and gnashed him between his teeth. And the orange furball tasted better than he could have imagined. As Shark Horse’s blood lust calmed, he noticed that the fox actually did taste like pizza. Really, really good pizza. “Someone is illegally cooking pizza,” he growled. “Well not in my neighborhood.” And with that, Shark Horse took off, jumping through the large, golden ring, taking the short cut through the Special Stage back to the police station.