Waiting for Gay Jesus (A Short Story)

Picture by: Geo Rittenmyer

We went around in a circle and talked about the future for LGBTQ peoples.

“I’m excited about the population control,” Larry said spooning his whip cream onto Jessica’s hot chocolate. “Once all gay people are comfortable to be gay, our population is going to be halved. Then jobs will open up, there’ll be affordable places to live in the city, less traffic – and so on.”

Jessica stirred the whip cream into her cocoa, “I’m actually excited that women and men will FINALLY be on equal terms,” she took a sip, “Like for real this time—legitimately. You guys are gonna know what sexual harassment is like in clubs, not to mention in the work place. I mean, imagine if your boss invited you out for drinks, promised a promotion, and then made a pass at you. You guys are finally going to get it without needing to be taught it because you’ll experience it.”

Greg stared out the window as though waiting for someone to show up.

“Greg,” I said, “What about you?”

“I’m excited,” he said absently, “but not for the same, noble reasons as you.”

Everyone paused. “What do you mean,” I asked – a question I would live to regret.

“I’d rather not say.” This was unlike Greg as he was quick to announce his opinion even if it contradicted concrete fact.

“Come on, Greg. Surely you can tell us,” Larry offered.

“We’re all friends here,” I said.

“And if you tell us, maybe we can be more,” said Jessica as a way to play up her sexuality.

Greg rapped his knuckles on the metallic tabletop, sighed and let his glance leave the window to face us, “Alright. Well, you know how when something is new, or really, when something is new and in the minority, people back it – like they root for the underdog?”


“But then, when something becomes accepted, when it becomes the majority, then there are so many views and groups that factions split. People, all people, who initially stood for the same thing start to view their end goal differently,” he moved his arm off my chair’s back to better illustrate with his hands, “It’s like the classic bait-and-switch, where someone hosts a rally to free the whales, then for ocean ecology, then into radical, burn all the oil rigs and the men who work on them mentality. That downward spiral. That’s what I’m excited for.”

Larry coughed on his cherry, “What?”

“I’m excited for when gay rights becomes so common – becomes the majority – that we start getting LGBT groups that want to persecute straight people, or gay churches that want to cure straight people into being gay.”

“That would never happen,” Jess gave her two cents… albeit unconvincing against Greg’s enthusiasm.

“Sure it will, it’s happened before. You don’t think the Nazis started with the holocaust – who would follow that?”

“You think gay people are going to become Nazis?”

“No, no, no,” Greg paused, “but a faction, kind of, yes. Once it is so widely accepted, you’ll have different ideologies and mentalities surrounding it. Right now, it’s we’re all people, but in time, it’ll be, who is the most gay. You can see the seeds of it today with transgenders vs. transsexuals. Right now it’s love everybody, but in the future, once it’s accepted, it’ll turn into, if you’re really gay, you shouldn’t need to change your identity/gender. In the future, there will be gay people that tell other gay people they’re doing “gay” wrong.”

“And that’s what you’re excited about?” I asked.

“Do you even have to ask,” Greg said (presumably rhetorically), “Of course! Imagine a future where everything we’ve come to know is gay. There will be thought leaders claiming that being gay is the way we were always meant to be – in our very biology. Hell, plays back in Shakespeare’s day were all performed by men despite women roles, those will be counted as quantifiable proof that Shakespeare was providing a gay message, but couldn’t call it “gay” due to persecution.

He continued, “The fact that only men were allowed to be on a sailing ship will not be due to a lack of women’s rights or ability, but due to the fact that it allowed men to be gay together, alone, out at sea. The military’s don’t ask, don’t tell is because they’re all gay, but they can’t let the world know – just look at their baton twirling.

“The fact that men and women don’t understand one another and have different needs will only further prove the biological aspect. Hell, even the hunter-gatherer system was a built-in way for men to hang out with their fellow gay men and women could hang out with their gay women; their societies were built so that men and women could go be gay and not spend too much time together.

“That’ll date us back into all the different animals and how they reproduce. Look at fish, they plant their seed and bail and there will be factions of religious gay people that say that’s what God meant by procreation. He meant heterosexuality was only meant for procreation, not to be indulged in. Any hubbub about homosexuality being an abomination will date back to the Hebrew which simply meant that it was “taboo,” as in, you need to hide the fact that you’re gay.

“Then, there will be religious gay people who follow the premise that Jesus was gay. That Mary Magdalene was quantifiable proof that Jesus never “got down” with the ladies, but the apostles were his, and I quote, ‘betches.’

“Then, the Judas allegory will really come off as the straight man trying to keep the gay man down.”

There was a jingle through the door and Amelia searched the room until she spotted us and waved. Greg waved back.

“Imagine what that’ll do to communion. You’ll have literalists, symbolicists, and homoeroticists,” Greg excused himself from the table and went over to Amelia where he gave her a peck and waved to us before leaving.

We sat in silence.

For more short stories, visit Derek Hobson’s Article Archive


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