The screen fell off my laptop today, so this is what you get from me. Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan might be beyond reviewing, even by me, frequent patron of the vilest cinematic abominations. Because if you’ve rented a movie called Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan, you presumably already know everything about the film, without having seen it. If you are still reading at this point, spoilers: this movie is about an evil, deformed Paul Bunyan. He carries a giant axe – it’s never explained who made it for him, because he has the mind of a child, and children are historically not the greatest axe makers – and chops up a group of teenagers.
In the film, Paul Bunyan is born some kind of mutant who, his doctors say, will grow to twice the height of a man and live three times as long, but at the cost of always having the mind of a child. How do his nineteenth-century doctors know this? Are there many cases of huge, long-lived, childlike giants in this universe? The answer is: shut up.
The film opens with Bunyan, who is at normal human size and therefore presumably five years old at the time, slaughtering a group of lumberjacks in the year 1894. The foreman of these lumberjacks is Dan “Grizzly Adams” Haggerty, who I am glad to see is still getting work, if work this is. These lumberjacks have foolishly killed and eaten Babe, Bunyan’s giant blue Ox, and now he seeks revenge by chopping up absolutely everyone in the world. For some reason, he is not capable of running, but luckily for him cars are not capable of accelerating faster than twenty miles an hour in this universe.
As far as dumb fun movies go, this is a lot better than Robin Hood: The Ghost of Sherwood, and a lot worse than Leprechaun: In Da Hood. The special effects tend to rely heavily on terrible CGI, which just isn’t as much fun to watch as terrible practical effects. The actors are predictably godawful at their jobs… Although there is one character that bugged me with his resemblance to Martin Sheen. A visit to this film’s imdb page revealed that the actor, Joe Estevez, is in fact Martin Sheen’s brother and also stars in the upcoming Earthquake VS. Tsunami, which I now cannot wait for (assuming the title doesn’t falsely advertise).
Who made Paul Bunyan’s giant axe for him? Did he make it himself? If Paul Bunyan is a mutant, what is his giant ox? Also a mutant of some kind? Are there lots of mutants in this universe? I get that Paul Bunyan has stretchy Hulk pants that he’s been wearing for over 100 years, but who made his shoes? Isn’t Paul Bunyan mostly a Northeastern thing? Even though large parts of the movie were obviously filmed in California? When the sheriff shot Paul Bunyan, why did he have to refer to the fact that the “tranques won’t last long?” How did he know they wouldn’t last long? How familiar is he with giant physiology? Why did he even use tranquilizers when bullets are obviously better against raging Axe Giants? Why did they have to get the scrawniest chick possible to be the one to show her boobs?
So many questions. Why do I ask these questions? For that matter, why do I continue to rent movies like this? What am I expecting? Did I really think that a movie called Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan would be something special? Even loving B-movies as I do, could I have hoped for better?