Casey Moriarty Author Archive

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Casey Moriarty is an actor, author, sailor and madman from Orange County, California.

His favorite authors are William Shakespeare, Vladimir Nabokov, Herman Melville, Edgar Allan Poe, Percy Bysshe Shelley, JRR Tolkien, Roald Dahl, Alan Moore, John Milton, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, George RR Martin, Neil Gaiman, Oscar Wilde, Lewis Carroll, and HP Lovecraft.

His online presence is meager at best; you may visit his “Tweeter” page here or his IMDB page here.

Casey hopes you will peruse and enjoy these ramblings and rantings, just as he hopes his own unfathomable madness does not detract from your own personal pleasure.

Proceed with caution:

Reviews (Films, Television, Games, Books)

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (2011) – My first article for Primitive Screwheads is this largely positive review of the fifth chapter in Bethesda’s Elder Scrolls series. This review is of the Playstation 3 version.

This Isn’t Revenge, This Is Punishment: A Frank Castle Retrospective – I discuss the rich and brutal history of one of my favorite comic book superheroes. Villains? Whatever. Frank Castle is awesome.

Ruminations on the 85th Annual Academy Awards – I normally don’t watch the Oscars, but I did when Seth MacFarlane hosted. I still don’t care about the Oscars.

A Wistful Exegesis of the “Leprechaun” Film Series – One somber Saint Patrick’s Day, I sat down with a handle of Jim Beam, seven DVDs, and a mind swimming with memories of trashy horror films.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe Review (2008-2013) – I review the films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (and a TV show), from Iron Man to Captain America 2, as a series of haikus.

Robin Hood: Ghosts of Sherwood (2012) – This is a movie I found in Redbox. It is a low budget horror effort starring Tom Savini as the Sheriff of Nottingham and Kane Hodder as Little John. If that sounds cool to you, prepare to be saddened, my friend.

Electrocuting an Elephant (1903) Retro, Retro, Retro Review – Back when there was still a thing called “Blockbuster,” I got myself into some trouble searching for a film to review. My tale lies herein.

Der Untergang – A German film about the last days of Adolf Hitler, this movie is best known today for inspiring a quadrillion internet memes.

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (2013) – I review the pilot episode of the first television series set in Marvel’s Cinematic Universe.

Hatchet III (2013) – A review of the third installment of the Hatchet series of films, about a brutal, ghostly killer that looks like a shaved chimpanzee got skin cancer.

Curse of Chucky (2013) – The latest installment in the Child’s Play series returns the killer doll to his roots. With some success, if I do say so myself.

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013) – Celebrated Northeastern legend Paul Bunyan becomes another victim of “take absolutely anything and make it evil” style of making horror films that must be some kind of corollary to Rule 34.

Thor: The Dark World (2013) – A review of Thor’s most recent adventure, which sees him battling Dark Elves while Anthony Hopkins and Natalie Portman battle the fact that they hate being in this movie.

The Forbidden Zone (1982) – I attended a screening of Richard Elfman’s cult classic, which featured Mr. Elfman himself in person and live music from a band called the Radioactive Chickenheads. Neat.

5 Things Superman Should Totally Do With His Powers (But Doesn’t) – The perspective of one lone maniac on why the Man of Steel wastes his superhuman abilities doing ‘good deeds,’ when he really should be fucking with mankind.

Knights of Badassdom (2013) – I review a film about a bunch of LARPers who accidentally conjure a demon.

Live Music Reviews

Two Old Fatties: A Review of Marilyn Manson Live (2013) – I review a concert by my favorite shock rocker, Marilyn Manson, taking special note of the fact that he’s become something of a tub of lard.

The Rolling Stones (2013) – I get to enjoy the legendary band in all of their ancient glory.

Black Sabbath (2013) – Another legendary band, this one seems even more ancient than the Stones do, despite technically being younger.

Tom Waits (2013) – I cross off a lifelong dream of mine from my bucket list as Pierce and I drive for an unholy amount of hours to see a rare live performance by the great Mr. Waits.

Danny Elfman’s Music From the Films of Tim Burton (Live Show, 2013) – I get to see a live orchestral performance of the composer who did the scores for Batman, Beetlejuice, the Nightmare Before Christmas, and a whole lot more. It featured a live performance by the Pumpkin King himself.

Live Theatre Reviews

Macbeth (Lincoln Center Theater, 2014) – My first Broadway show was a revival of a play that’s followed me my whole life. This version starred Ethan Hawke and this review was written in a hotel room during the midst of a fucking polar vortex.

An Iliad (Santa Monica College Performing Arts Center, 2014) – Celebrated thespian Denis O’Hare performs a one-man production of The Iliad, and I’m there to soak it in.

Poetry

Andrew Jackson Goes To Heaven – Inspired by what one of the seventh president’s servants said when he died: “If General Jackson wants to go to heaven, who’s going to stop him?” My response: fucking nothing, that’s what.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe Review (2013) – Haikus! I write Haikus!

Spiegel and Zee – An evil kidnapping eagle sets his sights on a cute little dog. In the wings, Jon Hammster waits.

The Amtrak Address – Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address on a train. I wrote this on a train. His was better, but my train was faster, so take that, Lincoln.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas 2: Payback Time – One lone Who protests forgiving the Grinch for stealing Christmas. He’s still a bastard criminal, after all.

The Ballad of Sir Willard the Gaunt – The story of a goodly knight and his favorite leaf.

Plays

The Song of Pythagoras – Written for a 24 Hour Play Festival, this features the meeting of brains and brawn.

Shark Horse

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Shark Horse is Primitive Screwheads’ own superhero, a heroic figure who battles to defend the city of Santa Ana from nefarious villainy. We take turns writing tales set in his universe. The following are my entries. For more about Shark Horse, take a look at the Series Bible here.

Shark Horse, Part II

Shark Horse, Part V

Shark Horse, Part VIII

Shark Horse, Part XI

Shark Horse, Part XIII

Shark Horse, Part XV

Shark Horse, Part XVII

Shark Horse, Part XX

Shark Horse, Part XXIII

Sharking Bad, Part 1 (Co-Writer, with Jeffrey Kieviet)

Sharking Bad, Part 2 (Co-Writer, with Jeffrey Kieviet)

Sharking Bad, Part 3 (Co-Writer, with Jeffrey Kieviet)

Short Stories

Flood’s – Far in the future, the machines handle everything for us. Except for one bar owned by Dixon Flood, the last human who works for a living. At closing time, he receives a strange guest.

Uncle Rooster (Part 1) – A house, purported to be haunted for over a century, receives a visit from some unscrupulous ghost hunters.

The Minor Old One (A Parody) – A parody of the work of HP Lovecraft, this story is set at Arkham Community College, the far less prestigious neighbor of Miskatonic University.

The Rage of Mendel – Winston Zedmore Mendel’s childhood in Iceland was an ordinary one, until he was faced with a bully most grim.

A Requiem For Blockbuster – A sequel to my Electrocuting an Elephant review, it details my trials and tribulations after being thrown into a women’s prison for assaulting a Blockbuster guard.

Martin Caduceus Kills an Angel – After a brutal alcohol-related car wreck, Martin Caduceus is given the chance to reevaluate his life.

Jon Hammster-Verse

An ongoing series of interconnected stories, all set in the same universe. This universe is much like ours, but all the animals can think like we do and many can speak. Man is being made violently aware of this fact. See the Jon Hammster Series Bible for more details.

In-universe chronological order:

Daniel the Dik-Dik’s Discovery: A Folktale

A Star Wars Carol

Brutus the Brutal

The Resistible Rise of Jon Hammster

Spiegel and Zee

 

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