FRIENDS Analysis: Rachel Green’s Soulmate is Joshua Burgin

rachel making a kermit the frog face

The closest thing to Rachel’s soulmate is Joshua… but truthfully, this is the hardest one to write because they don’t spend a great deal of screen time dating. We see Rachel in pursuit — which is vital — but we don’t see Rachel and Joshua.

After going through Rachel’s other long-term relationships (seeing how they start and why they end), it’s clear that Joshua is the outlier… but just because a character is an outlier, doesn’t make them a soulmate. However, so many of Rachel’s long-term relationships are carnal, so the only alternative to Joshua would be to say that Rachel doesn’t have a soulmate. It’s a little tragic, but wholly fitting for her character by the end of the series.

This analysis is best read after Ross Geller’s because of the Ross/Rachel dynamic, but to briefly sum up, at the core of Ross’ analysis, Julie was Rachel, but better. The reason Ross pursues Rachel is due to nostalgia, entitlement, and the fact that Rachel was the foundation for which he measured all women. For Rachel it’s similar, albeit converse: Joshua is Ross, but better.

Rachel Green

Rachel Karen Green

1. Background

It’s fair to say Rachel Green is the favorite friend of Friends. During the show’s ten-year run, she had the most screen time (by a percentage), was generally considered the most beautiful (though Courteney Cox might be winning that war), and has the best character arc among the cast – one of the best on TV in my opinion. I mean, over ten years, she gradually changes from a spoiled princess to a self-made, career-driven, single mom.

I mention in my Character Equilibrium analysis that Rachel starts as the fish-out-of-water character to help us (the audience) learn facts about the friends that they (as characters) already know about each other. From that “fish-out-of-water” though, she grows legs and evolves into the protagonist.

Family Life

Rachel Karen Green is the middle child of Sandra (Marlo Thomas) and Dr. Leonard Green (Ron Leibman). Fittingly, her parents act as markers for Rachel’s personality as she swings to the left (her mother) during the first 3 seasons and then through the middle and to the right (her father) in seasons 4-9. But then, when Rachel becomes a mother, she swings back to her own mother for Season 10 and it’s why she doesn’t get on the plane.

Rachel Green meeting Julie
No, not that time she missed him.
Rachel Green and Dr. House in the house but on a plane
Not that time, when she should have.
Rachel Green jumping on a plane to go on Ross and Emily's honeymoon
or that time.
Rachel getting on a plane with Ross to Las Vegas
Or that time they got married.
Rachel narrowly gets off a plane in the friends series finale
That’s the one! … How many times does this couple’s future hinge on a plane?

In the first three seasons, Rachel is materialistic, is coming into the group having never worked a day in her life, and is blessed with good looks. Her mother openly draws these parallels in The One with the Lesbian Wedding, noting the one dissimilarity in, “You didn’t marry your Barry, but I married mine.

Meanwhile, several seasons later in The One with Phoebe’s Cookies, Rachel reevaluates herself on the boat with Joey, “I’ve become my father. I’ve been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn’t see this coming.”

Although this may have been intended as a joke, it’s true. Rachel is conscientious about money, focuses on her career, and wants to do things on her own. A perfect example of this is how she rejects Ross when he finds out Rachel’s pregnant. Ross says that they should get married, but Rachel refuses. She chooses — moreover WANTS — to handle it on her own.

When we look at the roster of men Rachel dates, we can see how her maternal side faired against her paternal side.

 

Rachel Green's parents

2. Rachel Green’s Type

When dividing the men Rachel dates, there’s only one distinction that matters — and it mirrors her character arc.

The Pursuers and the Pursued

When we assess Rachel’s list, we can see two types:

  1. Chip Matthews (Pursuer)
  2. Barry Finkle/Farber (Pursuer)
  3. Paolo (Pursuer)
  4. Ross Geller (Pursuer/Pursued)
  5. Joshua Burgin (Pursued)
  6. Danny (Pursued)
  7. Paul Stevens (Pursued)
  8. Tag Jones (Pursued)
  9. Gavin (Pursuer)
  10. Joey Tribbiani (Pursuer/Pursued)

Look at the first four men on her list. They all pursue Rachel. And how do they all end? With cheating/affairs.

 

Rachel mocking men

This is because Rachel is still in her mother-phase. She has never had to work for what she wants. Things come to her. And that introduces another interesting parallel because Jack hints that Sandra (Rachel’s mother) was also cheated on,

I can’t say any of us were surprised. Your parents have been unhappy since we’ve known them, especially after that incident in Hawaii.

-The One with the Prom Video

Meanwhile, the latter men are mostly relationships that Rachel pursues and end when Rachel calls it — except Joshua and Gavin. To briefly demonstrate this:

  • Rachel dates Mark out of spite and sends him packing before emotions are involved.
  • Rachel pursues Danny (the Yeti) and dumps him when he gets weird with his sister.
  • Rachel chooses Paul, but dumps him when he becomes a crybaby.
  • Rachel pursues Tag and ends things when she doesn’t see a future.
  • Rachel dates Joey, but only after she becomes attracted to Dr. Drake Ramoray (more on that later).

Joshua is the only guy that dumps Rachel and that blow to her psyche is partly why she goes back to Ross.

But first!

The first guy Rachel pursues is Ross, but she’s cheating a little because she knew he’d accept her. The first guy Rachel ever actively pursues, with no knowledge of how it will turn out, is Joshua (the converse of Ross). Fittingly, the Joshua arc happens once Rachel has become a self-made woman with a career she earned.

In short, when Rachel acts like her mother, she is pursued, but when she transitions to her father, she pursues them.

This is why Gavin is a bit of an outlier as well, but noticeably, he  pursues Rachel once she has become a mother and it makes her act like her mother.

The Pursuers

To quote Rachel from the pilot,

[A]ll of my life, everyone has always told me, ‘You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe, you’re a shoe, you’re a shoe!’ And today I just stopped and I said, ‘What if I don’t wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y’know? Or a- or a hat!

 

Rachel in a wedding dress using a hat analogy to her father

This is why Rachel is consistently screwed over by her pursuers. These guys are developing an “image” for what Rachel should be in their heads, but the actual Rachel is not the “Rachel” they imagined. They make her out to be a shoe, but she’s more than that. She ends up being cheated on because the idea is better than the reality .

Now initially, that may make Gavin appear to be the exception, but notice that Gavin does Rachel’s job… but better. If she chose a life with Gavin then she’d be falling back into the trap her mother was in. Gavin would do Rachel’s job, leaving Rachel to be a stay-at-home mom, and Rachel is stronger than that.

The problem with Gavin — as with most of Rachel’s men — is timing. He meets her when she’s a new mother and we see how torn she is between being a businesswoman and a mother. She cuts her maternity leave short so she’s not undercut from her job. Rachel may have become a mother but she doesn’t want to be her mother again — as that has never worked out in her past.

 

Rachel at her desk facing Gavin

This is why Rachel is so likable and why we gravitate to her despite being a spoiled princess (initially). She was blessed with everything and yet constantly falls prey to misfortune and heartache.

Ross as the Pursuer

For Rachel, Ross seemed like a safe bet.

If you look at Chip, Barry, and Paolo, all of them had confidence because they all had something going for them: attitude, money, or a body. Ross, the nerd, doesn’t have that self-assurance. He doesn’t have the confidence and therefore comes across as a safe bet.

So when Ross makes a list of reasons not to be with Rachel in The One with the List. Before they even start dating, Rachel can see their future; what will become of their relationship. Ross is another guy who recognizes that Rachel is not “Rachel” (the imaginary one).

For Rachel, it’s more than a list of degrading reasons not to be with somebody, it’s the last archetype; it’s the final guy to undervalue her. When she gives up on Ross, it’s tragic because she’s giving up on love.

Rachel Green tired of being clobbered by loving Ross
“I fell for you, and I get clobbered. You then fall for me, and I, again, somehow get clobbered. I am tired of being clobbered.”

Of course eventually, they do get together… but it’s on Rachel’s terms; she pursues Ross. In The One with the Prom Video, Rachel goes to Ross – not vice versa. Rachel takes the initiative; Rachel works for what she wants. That’s a distinction that carries her through the rest of the series.

Noticeably, once Rachel becomes the pursuer of Ross, she goes off and finds a career she can be proud of. She’s no longer handfed a future, she paves the way for one.

Ross and Rachel On a “Break” Up

Let’s be clear: Ross did NOT cheat on Rachel, but he LIED about being with someone else.

That’s Ross’ problem, he focused on “Break/Not-on-a-Break,” but that doesn’t matter. The problem is that he took Rachel back without telling her he slept with someone else… that and earlier in the season he mentally cheated on her when the guys mention the girl from the Xerox place – so it was always an idea for Ross.

The Pursued

From the Ross/Rachel breakup onwards (and minus Gavin), every guy Rachel dates is someone she pursues: Mark, Joshua, Tag Jones, Bruce Willis, Joey, etc.

 

Rachel pregnant and calling Ross a girl

Interestingly enough however, Rachel has segued into her father at this point, which means she treats the men she dates like Trophy Wives. All of the other guys have a very shallow relationship with Rachel, i.e. it’s physical. Tag Jones is the most obvious of these, being a model and a simpleton. Mr. Stephens is the most telling, since she dates him, but then realizes they don’t talk, and when he finally does, it all falls to pieces.

Joey as the Pursued

Rachel lusts after Joey, she’s not in love with him… she just wants to sleep with him. And it’s evidenced in dream sequences, when Rachel visits Joey on set, and even in the “What if…” episode. She’s in love with Dr. Drake Ramoray, the fame, the stardom… not Joey.

It’s a fitting arc for Rachel since she creates an imaginary “Joey” instead of seeing who he really is – in the same way that men made a “Rachel” of Rachel.

Of course, Joey is in love with Rachel – the real Rachel – and she doesn’t want to be that girl; the one that takes advantage of someone’s feelings. She’s been where he is and it didn’t feel good. So even if it’s showed as a mutual breakup, all the subtext implies that that’s why their relationship fails.

Mark

By the time Mark and Rachel date, Rachel is remaking herself, so anyone from her past is automatically blacklisted. She doesn’t want people to see her as she was (her mother), but as she is now (her father).

And Mark suffers the same problem as Gavin: timing.

Both keep a safe distance until Rachel lets them in, but both can do Rachel’s job better. And, as I’ve already explained why Gavin and Rachel didn’t work out, the same can be said for Mark. Which brings us to…

3. Rachel Green’s Soulmate is Joshua Burgin

 

Rachel Green and Joshua Burgin

And largely because Joshua is Ross but without all the history.

He’s nerdy, been through a divorce, doesn’t know how to flirt, has money and is successful. She pursues Joshua without knowing if he’ll take her. This relationship builds the fundamentals of Rachel. Rachel, as the pursuer. She is discovering what she’s capable of; building her confidence; finding inner strength by working for what she wants.

Her job at the time isn’t great, but it’ s the first one she got on her own (no Mark). And, because Joshua is the first guy she’s really fighting for after Ross, we see that she’s giving love a second chance.

Of course, timing is a factor. The Ross/Emily romance interferes with their relationship and it causes Rachel to act a little crazy and lose Joshua.

Yet, it’s another reason Joshua is so vital to Rachel. The first guy she pursues is also the first guy to dump Rachel. You would think that would break a person, but not Rachel Green.

Joshua represents what we all love about Rachel: the perseverance to not give up. That’s not a bad thing. She’s willing to work for what she wants and this is the first time she finds that inner strength and realizes she can make things happen for herself.

And she does.

 

Rachel balancing a can on her pregnant belly

Also, Joshua is not the first time Rachel has reached out to a Ross surrogate when Ross turned out to be inadequate. Remember when Ross first screwed over Rachel? She dated Russ.

But there is no man featured on Friends who Rachel works harder for than Joshua Burgin (Tate Donovan).

So why do they fail?

For starters, Rachel is in her development stage. She’s remaking herself and doesn’t know how to pursue. When her pursuit works and she gets Joshua, she makes the mistake of thinking it’s because she turned him into a pursuer.

 

Rachel Green's Soulmate is Joshua Burgin

Rachel wears a cheer uniform to try and get Joshua to like her, but what she’s really trying to do is turn Josh into the pursuer.

Meanwhile, as she’s navigating her feelings for Joshua, she doesn’t realize that he’s a Ross surrogate; just like she didn’t realize Russ was a Ross surrogate. And… unfortunately, Rachel has a history of taking back her exes. She relapses into Chip after he dumps her for (“that slut”) Nancy Branson; Barry, when he’s engaged to Mindy; and relapses into Paolo when Ross is with Julie.

Joshua and Rachel breakup because:

A) She’s developing herself and doesn’t realize she’s the pursuer.
B) She doesn’t recognize her feelings are for Joshua and not Ross.
C) She has a history of relapses.

Conclusion and How Ross and Rachel Work

 

Rachel Green hands up to Ross, I'm here.

It’d be bold to call Ross and Rachel’s relationship the heart of the show in a series that succeeds in an ensemble, but it’s definitely the aorta.

By the end of the series, Rachel opts out of a career to be with Ross, seemingly backtracking all that progress. And yet even I was for Ross and Rachel in the series finale. But why? It didn’t feel manipulative, it felt earned.

Before Emily, Ross is selfish and you can see this constantly as characters offer him an inch and he takes the mile, what’s worse is it’s often after some faux humility.

Ross: When do you think you’re going to get off tonight?
Rachel: Oh I don’t know honey. It’s gonna be really late.
Ross: Oh come on, not again.
Rachel: I know. I’m sorry. Look, I’ll make a deal with you all right? …
For every night that you’re asleep …
I will wake you up in a way that’s proved very popular in the past.
Ross: Now, if you need to stay late, I want to be supportive of that.
(The One Where Monica and Richard and Just Friends)

Ross: I won’t play anymore.
Phoebe: Oh no. No-no-no, don’t do that! How could I live with myself if I knew I was depriving the world of your music.
Ross: Yeah, okay.
(The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line)

Monica: We can watch your dinosaur show if you really want to.
Ross: Aww, okay.
(The One Where Eddie Moves In)

But with (and after) Emily, Ross is a changed man. He becomes self-sacrificing. He’s willing to give up everything for Emily, not just Rachel, but his friends (moving away).

It carries over into his other relationships and specifically with Rachel in The One with the Cooking Class, when Ross promises Rachel that he won’t date, and Rachel admits, “Really? But I’m being so irrational.”

By the end of the series, we know with 100% certainty that Ross and Rachel work in the end.

And how?

When Charlie Wheeler (a Ross parallel) screws over Ross, he has finally come full circle and feels the blow he’s been dealing to women — since a lack of trust is the breaking point of each relationship. But after Charlie, it’s humbling.

Rachel just finished dating Joey, which was a representation of her past self when she was treated as a “Rachel.”

So now, Rachel and Ross have literally been in each other’s shoes, it should work.

 

When Ross and Rachel break up in Season 3, the reason is because Ross wants to spend more time with Rachel and with that comes the jealousy. The fact that she spends more time with her work (and subsequently Mark) means she’d rather spend her time with others.

However, Rachel sees opportunity as she’s tired of being dependent on a man. When she sees that she could get what she wants when she works for it, the world becomes her oyster.

By the end of the series, we see this breakup play out once more. Rachel is choosing her career that Mark picked for her and Ross doesn’t want her to go… But what’s different?

For starters, Ross wants Rachel to have a career and he demonstrates this by being more self-sacrificing than he’s ever been. He goes to Rachel’s old boss (Zellner) and bribes him with dinosaur artifacts (easily Ross’ most prized possessions) to get Rachel her job back. What’s more? He does it under an alias; he doesn’t even take credit for it.

Rachel returns because A) She can continue a career while being with Ross (as opposed to Gavin or Mark) and B) Ross is a better man now.

The writers initially had a few episodes penned out where Ross and Rachel go to Paris to rekindle their love, but they never had a shortage of embers. Instead they wrap up their storyline by presenting their initial dilemma and conquering it (organically at that).

But!

None of that would’ve happened without Joshua (the better Ross)… and since Ross is a better Ross by the end of the series, that kind of makes him a Joshua too.

rachel making a kermit the frog face

 

-Fin.

More to come…

For more reviews and detailed Friends’ analysis, visit Doz’s Reviews

14 Comments on FRIENDS Analysis: Rachel Green’s Soulmate is Joshua Burgin

  1. One thing I really want to ask you is about the writing of the show. Perhaps you know. I’m just wondering if the writers put so much thought about core psyches of the characters when they create them (or its the conventional models and dynamics they look for) and especially if they think of those when they write the story. Of course they thing about whether this chracter would do this and that or not but your analysis seem to be too logical. So I think you just watch the show with the determination of fitting each character into a certain psychological type (and often they won’t fit), where everything seems to happen for a reason and everything can be explained. But actually I think if you acnowledge everything, it would be impossible to find any of the characters consistent to your description and realistic in any way. I really want to hear your opinion about this, because personally I think that since your analysis are profound they are pretty relative anyway 🙂

    • Based on the research I’ve done (I used to be a film/TV major), the televised sitcom industry has a lot of “layover”.

      What I mean is, when people try to get in the industry, they often write scripts and stories for existing properties. But, when those existing properties end, those unused scripts get recycled. Again, based on what I read (so it could be wrong), but much of Season 1 of Friends were unused scripts for Seinfeld episodes.

      Otherwise though, it is intentional — whether conscious or not, I’m not sure — but even if you sat down and started writing a story, you’d probably know intuitively what you need. I’m basing this off Carl Jung. He came up with the archetypes, but also the idea of a collective unconscious. Basic story structures are ironic:

      Act 1: Stubborn character doesn’t want a dog, but a dog is forced upon him.
      Act 2: Stubborn character loses dog.
      Act 3: Stubborn character needs dog back, finds dog, rejoices.

      Or take Romeo and Juliet.

      Act 1: Romeo swears never to love again (after Rosalind).
      Act 2: Romeo falls in love.
      Act 3: Romeo dies, never to love again.

      It’s inherent. Usually when I write a short story, I start with an apathetic character and I want them to undergo a change. I want them to find and pursue meaning. But then I run into the problem, “they’re apathetic, why would they care to change?” So then it becomes, “Okay, so I’ll have an aggressive character who forces change upon him so that later he’ll change on his own accord.” But then I need to develop the relationship between these two characters because this “aggressive character” needs to have significance to the apathetic one if the apathetic one is going to change. I’ll make them brother/sister. “Family” can justify why the aggressive character doesn’t give up on the apathetic one and why the apathetic one doesn’t ignore the aggressive one.

      In my mind, that’s how Ross and Monica came about. Guy is coming out of a divorce where he’s not sure he can ever love again, but Monica is his safety net (and the anchor of the show).

      Other characters follow suit to rationalize ongoing questions, i.e. why are a brother and sister so close? What unites them beyond blood? How about a friend who lives nearby. What kind of friend? The best kind, the best man at his wedding, and college roommate to give them a past. Well, wait, why doesn’t the college roommate offer the apathetic friend a room in his apartment? Because he already has a roommate. Who’s his roommate? Some guy… Well, does he like the guy? He’s never had any problems with women, in fact, he sees divorce as an opportunity, so he doesn’t console the apathetic friend, but gives him the positives of his situation. Great!

      So on and so forth — with Rachel being the eventual thing that will motivate him to get up and out!

  2. I always felt like Rachel and Tag might have a solid future, if they could look past the age thing. What do you think about that?

    • If I ever do a retrospective, Tag is definitely the one she’s most suited for.

      It does complete that transition of being her mother to being her father and that makes Tag her trophy husband.

        • I know, but I like Tag as Rachel’s full cycle to becoming her father. Tag is to Rachel, as her mom is to her dad. Like Rachel went from being her mom, the spoiled trophy wife, to her dad, the wealthy executive (albeit her dad’s a doctor) and Tag was her trophy boy.

  3. I have read all of these analysis and Iam really impressed. It made me see all the characters in a new light and added a lot of depth to each of them. Though i think you left out a few things while writing the conclusion on how ross and rachel relationship works in the end.

    i think you did not take into account two things while writing the conclusion. Firstly, the fight ross and rachel had in season 9 which resulted in rachel moving back in joey. This fight was quite similar (worse) to the one which led to their breakup in season 3. It bothers me that after 9 years they still could not communicate their feelings with each other properly and did not behave maturely during this matter. Rachel kissed a guy from work and Ross tries to move on to make rachel feel jealous and in the end they both decide to live separately. How can we know that after the finale they wont fight like this or miscommunicate on matters like these. It did not show character development.

    Secondly, when Rachel meets Mark in the last season, Ross’s jealousy also returns showing he hasn’t gotten over the Mark issue in seven years. Although, he was okay with rachel dating other men during those years (except Joey) . Ross is still jealous and possessive after all these years. How can we know that Ross wont be jealous of rachel interacting with another man again when they are in a relationship.
    Although, i was also in favour of Ross and Rachel getting back together in thr finale but I still feel the writers left all these questions unanswered. I would like to hear your opinion on the points i raised above.

    P.S. Can you shed some more light on the whole Joey and Rachel fiasco?

    • Hey Adam,

      Thanks for reading!

      For the first point, yeah… it’s hard to justify his actions there, but part of it falls on Rachel’s shoulders too. They didn’t communicate… which repeats itself in the Joey thing. But ultimately, they do communicate and work that through.

      I think it’s okay to disregard the Mark thing because, before Ross knows that it’s Mark, he is fine with her chatting to him. When Rachel mentions that it’s Mark, it stirs him up just from memory-sake, in the same way that the Xerox girl would stir up Rachel. But otherwise, Ross was fine with it. It was just when he found out it was Mark that he reacted and even then it quickly subsided. I think Ross being okay with Rachel and other men really happened in Season 10 with Joey. Unlike the guy whose number he threw out in Season 9, Ross couldn’t simply let jealousy take hold with Joey; he had to be okay with it and even though he wasn’t, he made a concentrated effort to be.

      Ross is my favorite, so I have to admit some bias, but I really feel like Ross is humbled by the finale. Instead of being condescending “You guys don’t know what it takes to make a marriage work” and “You guys wouldn’t understand unless you were parents” stuff, he’s very much like, “I suck at relationships.”

      The Joey and Rachel fiasco… I really think she started falling for Drake Ramoray. If you rewatch that relationship’s development thinking that she’s falling for Drake (much like the “what-if” episode), it makes a lot more sense. It’s a bit shallow, but ultimately I think they confused intimacy with passion.

      Thanks again for reading and sorry for the delay!

  4. I think Ross and Rachel were always meant to be and not Joshua and Rachel because Rachel loved Ross more than anyone else. She was in relationship with Joshua and tag and Paul Stevens only for sex and see never said that she loved them. She only loved Ross. She also said that Ross is the best she has ever had

    • That’s fair. It’s hard to say… You know, Monica and Richard had such a clean break. They wanted different things. But Ross and Rachel, it was a moment in time (compounded by a slew of other factors) that broke them up. By the end of the series, they’ve both grown and matured, but that break up is still such a raw thing to do.

      I love all their little moments for one another when they’re not dating.

      Like when Rachel makes the Trifle with beef and Ross is the only one that eats the entire thing to prevent Rachel from being embarrassed — sure, Joey eats it too, but for Ross it’s not enjoyable, it’s strictly for Rachel’s benefit. Or when Ross ditches his TV gig to help Rachel to the hospital. Or even when Ross is trying to flirt with Charlie and Rachel assures Ross that the Walrus (two straws in the mouth) is funny.

      I like all their platonic-ish moments like that, but I don’t think either of them get past that sense of “We’re willing to do anything for each other… and yet the minute we struggled, we quit.” It’s definitely a blow to their confidence.

      And thanks for reading!

  5. Here’s another little theory I’ve come up with. Yeah, I know it’s been proven since she ended up with him anyways, but here’s to giving another reason for why Rachel loved Ross. It’s also an argument to shut down everyone who thinks she and Joey were a better couple than her and Ross. Let’s begin.

    Over the course of the series, I’ve noticed something that not many people have. You see, when it comes to dating, romantic Rachel has two sides: Rachel with a crush, and Rachel in love. You might think that I’m crazy and stupid, but stay with me.

    Rachel with a crush is the most prominent version of romantic Rachel. It’s her when she’s dating everyone like Tag and Joshua. It’s her when she’s dating someone she really likes, but doesn’t exactly love. Surely you can all agree with this. The only person who doesn’t fall into this category is Ross, for obvious reasons, but let me give you an in-depth view.

    See, Rachel in love rarely ever shows up. Actually, the only example of Rachel in love is During season 3 when her and Ross were dating. You see, a lot of people hated season 3 because of Rachel and Ross’ personalities during it. Some think it was the worst season since their characters were so flat and annoying with all the “lubby-dubby” stuff. But here’s the thing that most people don’t understand: the writers did that on purpose. This claim is even backed up by one of the writers who had explained the reasoning behind Ross and Rachel’s break up, saying “nobody wants to see a happily ever after”. This just proves that when Rachel was goign out with Ross, the two were actually in love. And not just “oh, I really like him” love, I mean they truly and deeply loved each other in this season. This is important to note.

    You see, during season 3 when Rachel was in love, her character’s personality was very different from every other season. She was sweet and gentle. She was very affectionate, cared for Ross deeply, and in fact, acted like a loving little girl. My favourite example of this is right in the beginning of Season 3 The One Where No One’s Ready. Notice how as soon as she walks out of the bathroom, she goes straight to Ross and wants to be held. Notice her huge smile and how she spends most of the time looking up into his eyes. Notice how she raises her voice into a cute, sweet tone. These are traits that most people look over, but believe me, are extremely important. Why? Because truthfully, whether in Friends or in real life, if you are deeply in love with someone, making them happy is what makes you happy. And that is the key difference between Rachel in love and Rachel with a crush.

    The fact is, after they break up, never again does “Rachel in love” show herself again. Rachel in love only comes out when she’s truly happy and in a relationship with the guy she loves. Although, this side does come out briefly when she and Ross reconcile in the beach house episode, and hints of it appeared when she went to London to confess her love. It is implied, and I strongly believe, that Rachel in love came back out after the series finale. You can even see a glimpse of it in the ending scene when she and Ross cuddle and hold each other as the group says goodbye to the apartment.

    Now, I’ve proven that Ross is Rachel’s true love and how it brings out her true self. “But what about Joey?” you may be asking. Well, don’t you worry my friend. I didn’t over look him.

    See, truth be told, Joey does not fall into the “Rachel in love” category. He, in fact, falls in the “Rachel with a crush” along with every other guy she’s dated. Why? Well let me explain.

    Rachel’s relationship with Joey has always just been one huge crush. I know that this is very controversial and that she had said that she loved him, but honestly when you really look for it, you can tell that deep down, she doesn’t actually love Joey. As a friend, yes. But as a romantic partner, not by a long shot. Her relationship with Joey was nothing more than a crush that got bigger because of jealousy.

    See, if Rachel truly was in love with Joey, “Rachel in love” would have made an appearance (and I hope I have given you enough evidence to prove that this would have happened). Sure you can argue there wasn’t enough Joey and Rachel screen time to show this, but actually during the scenes where they try to have sex, that would have been a perfect time for “Rachel in love” to come out. Instead, she doesn’t, which is what ticked me off the first time.

    Remember why Rachel and Joey broke up? They tried to have sex but realised that they were too close of friends. Well you know what I say to that? That’s a loud of bull crap. Deep down, Rachel didn’t love Joey, which is why she couldn’t bring herself to having sex with him. She even says it herself that it felt wrong. This is also why when they broke up, she managed to get over it pretty quickly. When she had broken up with Ross, she would have been devastated for the following few days. Instead, she had gotten over it in the next episode and so did Joey. You can argue that she didn’t’ have a huge fight with Joey as she did with Ross, but that doesn’t make a difference. If she had truly loved Joey, she would have been emotionally pained.

    This is why Rachel and Ross were meant together. Whatever they say or do on the outside doesn’t change the fact that they bring out the best in each other. At the end of the day, love is the true giver of happiness and Rachel could have only found that with Ross, and no one else.

    • Thanks for reading! I understand what you mean by Rachel with a crush vs in love and you could even go further and say that she was even somewhat alright with Barry cheating on her since she didn’t love him — she got over it pretty quickly.

      And I agree, I think Joey was a crush. More than that, I think “Dr. Drake Ramoray” was the crush.

      With Ross though, I do think they’re in love, but it’s hard to reconcile when actions speak louder than words. Again, Ross for 9 years prior and 10 years through the duration of the show, professed his love for Rachel, yet the minute the relationship was “dead”, he slept with someone else.

      I know there’s a bit more to it than that, but that’s where Ross ends up. Rachel says, “I used to think of you as someone that would never hurt me. Ever.” There’s a good argument to be made that Rachel appears less “in love” with future relationships because the meek guy who dedicated his life to loving her ended up hurting her worse than some of the shmucks she’s dated. It could be that it closes her off to future romance or you can make the argument that Rachel felt blinded, that her becoming “like a little girl” as you say, is because she thinks there’s no way he can hurt her. So when Ross does, it reshapes how she feels about all men. And even though people may get tired of the on/off-again nature of their relationship, I think that speaks to the complexity. Yes, they’re in love, but it’s difficult to move past the hurt and betrayal. I mean, they wound up broken up because they didn’t talk about their problems, and even well after the breakup, the topic of “break” is still taboo. They can’t talk about it without getting heated, so they don’t, but it’s the elephant in the room.

      That is the one thing missing from the finale in my opinion even if they share blame, Ross should’ve finally apologized.

      And what I mean by that is there’s a film, High Fideltiy, that does this so well. Rob (the protagonist in the movie) has hurt his ex and even though the hurt he put her through is more black and white, he sets his ego aside at her father’s funeral and says, “Laura… I’m sorry.” It speaks volumes. And in the case of Ross and Rachel, that’s what it takes to make a relationship work is putting the other before yourself. The beach house is a prime example. For Rachel, can he take responsibility for the problems in their relationship? Can he put Rachel before himself?

      The answer is no.

      Ross needed to relinquish his ego before the series ended to solidify their relationship and I’m bummed we didn’t get to see it.

      All this is secondary to the point though. I’m not arguing Ross and Rachel weren’t in love, I’m arguing they’re not soulmates. I believe Rachel’s soulmate would complement her (or at the very least, put her first). The fact that Ross and Rachel can’t makes it akin to watching two magnets push away from each other.

  6. The 10 Elements of a Soulmate

    By Dr. Carmen Harra
    As the American writer Richard Bach said, “A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are.”
    Ah, soulmates. The epitome of love and partnership. In our fast-paced chaotic world, which boasts all sorts of different people, we find ourselves skimming through more relationships than we’d like in order to find that one person who can truly open our locks.
    Not just anyone can fulfill you the way your soulmate can. There’s a world of a difference between your soulmate, your heart’s other half and a life partner — a person who lacks the elements to mold perfectly to you. Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle. A life partner, on the other hand, can be a great supporter and long-time companion, but is limited in his or her capacity to enrich your spirit.
    Most of us remain in life-partner relationships because we “settle,” for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, we may have a real subconscious fear of being alone. And since we’re biologically designed to fall in love, it’s only natural that we pair up in this world. But we sometimes prolong what are meant to be temporary relationships and mistakenly settle into them for good. There are relationships which must last for a certain period of time to close out a karmic chapter of life, relationships in which we’re meant to have children with our partner but not necessarily remain with them, and relationships which are just plain confusing because a melting pot of emotions doesn’t allow us to see our predestined path.
    I’ve seen it all in my practice as a psychologist, from couples who married their childhood loves to people in their retirement years who still struggle with commitment issues. Most of us fall somewhere between these two extremes, meaning that we experienced several relationships before finding the person we believe to be our perfect pairing. Whether you’re currently married, in a relationship, or contemplating entering a relationship with a new love interest, it is crucial that you know what role this person will play in your life. After all, there’s no avoiding the inevitable, often uncomfortable question we must ask ourselves: Is this the person I was bound by destiny to share my life with? Or did I settle too quickly into a relationship with someone who can never complete me?
    No matter the category you fit into to, there are several indications which clearly outline a soulmate bond (or a lack of bond) between you and your partner. As you go through this list, think about your partner or potential partner and evaluate whether they meet the soulmate criteria.
    The 10 Elements of a Soulmate:
    1. It’s something inside. Describing how a soulmate makes you feel is difficult. It’s a tenacious, profound and lingering emotion which no words can encompass.
    2. Flashbacks. If your partner is your soulmate, chances are he or she has been present in your past lives. Soulmates often choose to come back together during the same lifetime and scope each other out in the big world. You might suddenly and briefly experience flashbacks of your soulmate. You might even feel an odd sense of déjà vu, as if the moment in time has already taken place, perhaps a long time ago, perhaps in a different setting.
    3. You just get each other. Ever met two people who finsh each other’s sentences? Some people call that spending too much time together, but I call it a soulmate connection. You might experience this with your best friend or your mother, but it is the telltale sign of a soulmate when you experience it with your partner.
    4. You fall in love with his (or her) flaws. No relationship is perfect, and even soulmate relationships will experience ups and downs. Still, that bond will be much harder to break. Soulmates have an easier time of accepting, even learning to love, each other’s imperfections. Your relationship is more likely to be a soulmate match if you both love each other exactly as you each are, accepting both the great and awful tendencies we all have.
    5. It’s intense. A soulmate relationship may be more intense than normal relationships, in both good and sometimes bad ways. The most important thing is that, even during negative episodes, you’re focused on resolving the problem and can see beyond the bad moment.
    6. You two against the world. Soulmates often see their relationship as “us against the world.” They feel so linked together that they’re ready and willing to take on any feat of life, so long as they have their soulmate by their side. Soulmate relationships are founded on compromise and unity above all else.
    7. You’re mentally inseparable. Soulmates often have a mental connection similar to twins. They might pick up the phone to call each other at the exact same time. Though life may keep you apart at times, your minds will always be in tune if you are soulmates.
    8. You feel secure and protected. Regardless of the gender of your partner, he or she should always make you feel secure and protected. This means that if you’re a man, yes, your woman should make you feel protected, too! Your soulmate will make you feel like you have a guardian angel by your side. A person who plays on your insecurities, whether consciously or subconsciously, is not your soulmate.
    9. You can’t imagine your life without him (or her). A soulmate is not someone you can walk away from that easily. It is someone you can’t imagine being without, a person you believe is worth sticking with and fighting for.
    10. You look each other in the eye. Soulmates have a tendency to look into each other’s eyes when speaking more often than ordinary couples. It comes naturally from the deep-seated connection between them. Looking a person in the eye when speaking denotes a high level of comfort and confidence.
    Whether you’re designed by the universe to be soulmates or two loving people who have settled for each other’s strengths and weaknesses, the decision is yours. The beauty of free will is that you can remain in or change any relationship as you see fit. To be with your soulmate is one of the precious treasures of life. And if you feel you’ve found your heart’s other half, I wish you endless days of joy and laughter, and countless nights of deep embrace, unraveling the mysteries of the universe one by one.

    The above points prove that Rachel’s soulmate is Ross

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