The 5 Scariest Monsters in the Whoniverse (Because Weeping Angels are Pussies)
By Jeffrey Kieviet
*I’ll try not to give away who dies or what happens, but there will be mad ramblings about the “science” of Doctor Who*
Quick trip into the Doctor Who Universe, or “Whoniverse” if you will. A quirky alien with two hearts and a blue box travels space and time going on adventures. The mysterious Doctor and his traveling Companions. Just to make me feel like more of a nerd, fans of this universe are called “Whovians.” Which is pretty close to Dr. Seuss’s Whos down in Whoville, but then again, who is Seuss if not a Doctor?
A lot of people have their Doctor Who favorites, and you’ll find lists everywhere online dedicated to everything from Favorite Villains to Sluttiest Alien Hotties. Actually, that second one may have just been a porn site. No, no, it’s a fan site. Anyway, anyone I talk to about this show seems to think the same thing: The Weeping Angels are the scariest thing since Satan’s taint, doomed to forever haunt the no-man’s-land between Beelzebub’s blistering ball-bag & the poop-chute to Hell. But the thing is, the Weeping Angels only LOOK scary.
Ok, the way their first episode is shot creates an atmosphere straight out of a horror flick, and eventually, they start snapping mofo’s necks as soon as they have a chance, but in “Blink,” they just touch you and send you back in time. Supposedly, they absorb all the years you would have lived as you live them out in the past, but at least you get to live. And you live an adventurous life! And… screw all the “timey-wimey” stuff, if you’re with the Doctor, and the villain sends you into the past, he can just go there and get you. I know he says he can’t, but he’s full of it.
So now, the 5 scariest creatures on Doctor Who, because they are nightmares-in-carnet, not just because they start to look scary in the dark:
5. The Silence
Not only did these guys looks gruesomely scary (gotta love practical effects), but they put some terror right onto the flesh of our heroes; a creature so heinous it literally crawls across your skin. And the more marks we see on the Doctor’s Companions, the more Silence surround us.
These things operate by causing people to forget, unless you’re actually looking at them. Which means when you look at them, you know they’re real, you see them exist, and you begin to figure them out as you stare at them every day. But as soon as you look away (inspired by the Weeping Angels?), you forget everything. You never remember what they look like, you don’t even remember you’ve seen anything, until you start to notice the little tallies on your arms. You leave little notes for yourself so you’ll remember something impossible, and then you turn away and forget it all.
The worst thing that could happen would be to get caught in a nest. Like this guy:
That’s the guy from the “Day of the Moon.” He’s been working at this place for at least 3 years past its closing because he’s forgotten so much of his life, he can no longer function. There’s smeared paint on the walls, begging people to “Get Out” & “Leave Now.” That means at some point, this guy realized what was happening, that these things were in the house, and he so desperately wanted to leave, but as soon as he turned away, he forgot. He forgot he wanted to leave, forgot that behind him was a horde of Silence, forgot that aliens invaded earth. Then he’ll see one, begin to figure out what these things are, start to understand that he only remembers when he looks, and then turn to leave, and he won’t. He can’t. The eternal horror this man must suffer makes me scared to look behind me in the dark.
4. The Empty Child
This was back in the beginning, when the show had just rebooted and Eccleston was rocking out as the Doctor from the North (“Lots of places have Norths!”). This show started off showing us that it could go anywhere. Starting in modern London, jetting off to the end of the world in the year 5 billion, then zipping back for Christmas with Charles Dickens. Immediately it established that any story could be told in any genre. And there were aliens and ghosts and robots, but then came the haunting chime that begged the question: “Are you my mummy?”
Let’s admit it, kids are creepy. The Sixth Sense wasn’t scary because there were dead people, it was because a little kid was talking about it. If the kid who played Forrest Gump’s son hadn’t of said anything about seein’ no dead people, we could have all gone about our business and not spent the rest of our lives wondering if we were already dead. The Shining, Poltergeist, Children of the Corn, these flicks are scary because kids are our parents coming back to haunt us. And payback’s a bitch.
So put a creepy kid in a gas mask, have him wander around a World War II torn London, and have him ask a creepy question over and over as it echoes out the tube of his serpentine helm. And the worst part is, if he touches you, you grow a set of bulbous eyes and a ruffled trunk. Zombies actually have to bite you, and a plague is too vague of a concept, but these little bastards just need to run up and grab you by the hand, and then you’ll morph and shift and breath heavily like a helmeted Darth Vader, and follow suit with “Are you my mummy?”
You don’t know what these creatures are thinking, you don’t know why they’re after you, and you don’t know why they’re looking for their mummy. But think about when you’ve been the most scared, the scardest. Didn’t you just want your mummy? So how scared are these little suckers?
Damn straight. As much as Doctor who flies in to save the day because some alien threat is looking to do a little renovating on the third rock from the sun (well, our sun at least), a lot of the time he’s trying to fix some royal screw-up perpetrated by the very people he’s trying to save. And let’s be honest, we can be pretty nasty creatures. Just think about it: everyone who lies awake at night worrying about the creepy-crawlies underneath their bed, how many of them are actually killed by monsters? But I hear humans are the leading cause of death among man-on-man violence. So… there’s some statistics for you.
We pollute the earth, create never-ending freeways, enslave intelligent aliens, and torture whales as we ride them through space! One episode says we’re so bad, that all of humanity continually & repetitively makes the same decision again and again, and every time we make that decision, we voluntarily have our memories wiped. Whatever we choose, over and over again, we also decide it’s so bad that we would rather not remember it. But we keep doing it. That’s a pretty messed up group of intelligent life forms, doncha think?
I’m actually surprised Doctor Who doesn’t show more human villainy. Like there’s usually a human henchman to whatever big bad alien is trying to invade, someone who gives up the inside scoop, their very own Gaius Baltar for all you nerds out there. But it’s never just a guy choosing to do wrong. And the government over steps their bounds from time to time, but very rarely is the Doctor contradicted, and most of the time people follow his orders. Which, to be fair, if a Time-Lord, a hyper-intelligent alien transversing time and space, gave me an order, I don’t think I’d question it. Which may be another flaw to humanity. When you think about it, I’m not sure the Doctor made the right choice when he decided humanity was his favorite. But then again, I’m a human, so who am I to question it?
I know, right? I mean, they’re basically turned over trashcans with plungers stuck in them, how the hell can that be scary? This one I’ve got to give to the writers. They make the most ridiculously cheesy space villain from the 60s and turn them into the creatures that haunts the Doctor’s nightmares. At their core, the Daleks represent an unstoppable force. This makes the Doctor the immovable object. And while destruction is wrought and lives are lost (many, many lives), the Doctor always manages to stop them. But that’s because we know we’re watching a TV show.
To everyone in that TV show, the Daleks cannot be stopped. When they show up, it means we’re dead. All of us, no one to be made a slave, no one to be studied and kept in a lab, we’re just done. “Exterminate” & “Destroy” are the slogans of these tin buckets. Can you feel that? That’s legitimate hate and disgust at a fictional alien. The best moment is when the Daleks invade (again), and badass Captain Jack Harkness begins to blubber and kiss his loved ones fair well. Like, this dude who has been forced to survive being buried alive is about to piss himself over a couple toasters. They make the fear palpable. And while the Doctor manages to save the day, the Daleks always come back.
So maybe that’s even scarier then their unquenchable desire to kill us all. I think in the 6 years I’ve watched, the Doctor or someone else has killed the last Dalek, genocided the whole race, or literally wiped them from existence. And they always come back. Sometimes they have feelings which slows them down, or sometimes they try to merge with humans and create a whole new species, and sometimes they just come back for a color make over. But they will be back, and they will kill, and they will never, never stop.
1. The Doctor
What creature is feared by the Daleks & the Cybermen? Who battled the Slitheen & Sontaran? Who’s fought witches and vampires and pirates? Who was there for the birth of our planet and the end of the universe?
And he’s kind of proud of what a scary bastard he is. In several of the episodes he is able to make the scaries quake in their boots. Using only his name (or at least his title), he can hold Daleks at bay and make aliens rethink their plans. There’s a certain family of alien villains the Doctor stumbles upon, and he decides to run away. Because if he faces them, which he does, he has no choice but to imprison them in the most horrid ways possible. They are evil creatures, and must be locked away, but he will make them pay for their evil ways.
The Doctor has good intentions, and as a fan of the show, I think we could use a Doctor in the real world, but people die, the Doctor fails, and sometimes, the Doctor does the killing.
It took me awhile to realize just how much the Doctor lies, how fallible he is. Then it becomes a catchphrase of the show: Rule#1: The Doctor Lies. But he does, he shows up, takes charge like he knows what he’s doing, tells you point blank to your face “I’m going to save you,” and then half the crew gets eaten to the bone or shot by Daleks or stung by a giant bee obsessed with murder mysteries.
And the worst part is what the Doctor represents. True, we only see a small side of the Doctor’s adventures, hell, he ages something like 200 “years” in the last season alone. But every time we see the Doctor, something bad happens. And lots of times, that “something bad” is the destruction of the planet, decimation of humanity, or at the very least the death of someone in a red shirt. He doesn’t bring the invasion with him, rarely is the villain there because the Doctor is there, but I’ve never seen an episode where the Doctor shows up, everyone goes to the fair, has a piece of cake, then calls it a day.
Lastly, the Doctor has killed. He doesn’t like to do it, but he has taken many, many lives. Not to go into the details of the Time War (mainly because I’m still a little funny on all whats happened), but entire races died at his hands. He states it was unpreventable, that it had to be done. And we’ve seen him kill other people when it “had to be done.” But he’s the Doctor. He’s there to make things better. And things get pretty horrific along the way.
So tell me, what’s the scariest thing in the Whoniverse?